It's here.

The day I've waited for is finally here. I know what you are thinking, "Silly Ashleigh, it isn't Friday yet! You still have two days until you move!" Alas, dear reader, Moving Day isn't the day I'm talking about.  The day I'm talking about is the day that I start freaking out about Moving Day.  To save time, we shall call this day "Freak the Fuck Out Wednesday." FtFOW, as it is colloquially known, is the day when all of the realizations that you've been putting on hold for the past, say, month or so come crashing into you and your brain begins to slowly melt out of your ears.  Symptoms might also include but are not limited to: getting misty eyed at a peer editing assignment from the 6th grade you found buried in the back of your closet, sitting surrounded by a pile of books and other odds and ends chewing on your hair and staring into space, and being a total inconsiderate asshole to the people around you because leaving is hard and you are trying really hard not to think about it.

Ok, so I might have made up the part about chewing on your hair but the rest is completely real.  My dad came into my room last night and I was sitting on my bed, surrounded by piles of books and sheet protectors (I found a secret stash of them in my closet) and packing tape and papers to be recycled.  "Ash....what are you doing?" he asked. "Um...I don't know.  I just got....stuck," I responded.  Because sitting there, trying to shove my life into three 16x16x16 boxes everything just became so REAL.  Like REALLY real.  Because even though I've moved away from home before, this time is different.  Because this time I am going away with no plans of returning...ever (except to visit, of course).  And honestly, I like it at home.  I never thought I would but I like living here.  I like having my parents close and I like being able to hang with my dog and I just like it.  And I know it is time for me to move out, I know it is, but there's a part of me that is pretty sad about going.  My whole life, everything, is here.  And it is hard to let some of that go.  I know that not everything will change and that my parents are just a phone call and a plane ride away but I can't help missing them already.  I like that I can sit here and hear them watching Parenthood and chatting in their room. I like that no matter what time of day it is or what she is doing, if I ask my mom for a hug she gives me one (and a really good one at that).  I like that my dad plays stupid games in the house, like Marco Polo because he is testing my hearing.  I like that in about 20 minutes my dog is going to push my door open like she owns the place and make herself a little nest on the pillow next to me.  I guess I didn't realize that over the past two years while I've been bitching and moaning about how I hate living in California and how I want to go back to New York that I've actually been enjoying living here.  Who would have ever thought it?

And of course this part was always going to be hard, leaving your home to make a new one someplace else is never easy, it is always complex and a little fraught.  And it is also exciting and magical and fantastic.  FtFOW taught me that.  And tomorrow my boxes will be packed and a plan will be made and everything will be ok, I know that too.  But for today I'm going to keep doing a nutty and see how that goes.