Dispatches From Inside the Whale

I'm not dead, I promise, I've just let New York swallow me up.  And I've got to tell you, it has been pretty great.  I'm finally beginning to feel like a grown up, like everything is finally sinking in.  I'm moving into a grown up apartment at the end of the month, and I'm working and paying bills like a grown up, and I'm finding new ways to enjoy my life, and I'm working to cherish my friends and the opportunities that come along.  I can't believe it is March already, I feel like I've been here forever, not just 6 months.  SIX months (six on Sunday, in fact).  I am happy and I have no idea what's going to come next.  And that is just about the most exciting thing I could think of.

The 1st (well, 2nd) Day of the Rest of My Life

I had this moment walking home yesterday from my first day at my new job, this moment where I actually stepped away from my physical body and hovered over myself, taking the entire scene in and feeling completely astonished.  Because at 24 (and a half, but who's counting), yesterday was the first day of my adult life or, to be more specific, my life as an adult on my own.  I am 3000 miles away from my dear parents and beginning to do things totally (mostly) on my own for the first time.  Yesterday was literally the first day of the rest of my life.

I can't say that I've dreamt of this moment my whole life because really, I didn't ever think of this moment specifically before last night, but it seems like something one should dream about--the day when you are on your own for reals, the day when you become responsible for you entirely.  Don't misunderstand me, my parents haven't tossed me off completely, they are still helping me until my first paycheck comes in (ok, maybe until the 2nd comes in.  They are the best).  But once that happens, it is Ashleigh responsibility time.  And you know what? Even though that is completely terrifying, it is also super exciting.  I've sort of been waiting for this time in my life for a while, ever since graduating from college in fact.  And even though right now it feels a little bit like I'm just visiting New York for funsies, I know that feeling is going to go away soon (or at least diminish).  Things are finally starting to take shape for me in this city that I love and I sort of can't believe it.  I get to do so many lovely and fun things here in New York, which include but aren't limited to-: 1) live in my favorite city, 2) work in my field doing something I actually believe in and enjoy, 3) play guitar for tiny people on a regular basis (starting next week!), 4) see my beautiful college friends whenever I can/want, 5) eat all the yummy food New York City has to offer.  My dear friend Kyle said it best: what an amazing time to be alive and living in New York City.

I've mentioned it before (at least twice), but during college I would walk around the city and be stopped dead in my tracks because I realized, "I live here.  I can't believe it."  It still happens and every time I get the same tingle down my spine and smile across my face.  I feel constantly elated that I get to live my life in the place of my dreams every single day.  How many people get to say that?  And sometimes when I feel that familiar smile start to cross my face I fast forward 20 or 30 years into the future and I look back at this time on my life and I feel incredibly blessed and grateful, saying to myself (and my future family), "How lucky was I that I got to be young and alive in New York City at such a time? Isn't that amazing?!  Let me tell you, future as-yet-unnamed-child-of-mine, it was amazing to me even then." (this is totally true and a totally unweird conversation to imagine, by the way).

Being able to consult with my future self is sort of a new thing and I assume comes from getting older.  I swear, I just had this moment about a year ago while, I believe, I was watching an episode Bones that I suddenly became aware of how fragile and imminent the end is.  Now, I know that this sounds a) like something some sort of paranoid hypochondriac would say and b) a little overly dramatic, but it is true.  For some reason, on this day, sitting on the couch alone in my parents living room, I realized that, at some point, I will no longer exist.  And while the crushing weight of this terrifying realization washed over me, I was met with what is probably the most comforting image that has ever come to my mind.  It was of me, a very old and crimpy and completely content grey-haired lady, laying in a bed at the end, surrounded by my family.  And I concede that this image is likely something I've constructed out of scenes from movies and television shows, but I none the less was calmed by it.  Because it seemed to mean that there was something out there for me, something I was and have always been driving towards--a life. A full, beautiful, exciting life.  And every choice that I make is leading me towards that moment and all the moments before it.  What a fantastic and transcendent thought, ay?  I am learning to accepted that every step of my journey to that image is taking me exactly where I need to go and teaching me what I need to learn, even if I often have no idea what I'm going or where I am going.  The not knowing is half the fun, right?  Truthfully, I don't know if I completely agree with that statement but I am learning to be ok with it and allow for the possibility that it might be true.

So here I am, on the 2nd day of the rest of my life, journey yet to be written, but knowing a beautiful and satisfying destination lies just beyond it.  Not too shabby for a Wednesday, I'd say. Not too shabby at all.

Back in New York

a picture from my cab ride home early this morning.

I'm back home in NYC after a quick trip to my homeland of California.  I love the holidays and being able to go home to beautiful California "winter" (it was like 60 degrees the entire time) was lovely.  I had WAAAAAAAY to much fun and have returned to New York a content lady who is ready to start the new chapter in her life.  That new chapter starts tomorrow, when I start my new job.  WAHOOO!  I'm super excited.  I've got more posts brewing so keep an eye out.  If the past two days are any indication, 2012 is going to be a great year, full of happiness, laughter, friends, and family.  And I can't wait.

Little Holiday Letters

Dear Eggnog,

I always thought you were gross but guess what? Adding brandy makes all the difference.  Thanks for being delicious.

your new friend,
Ashleigh

Dear Giant Christmas Tree,

Even though part of me gets a little sad that a big tree like you was chopped down, I think you are super pretty and fantastic. Keep up the good work.

in gratitude, 

Ashleigh

Dear New York Holiday Tourists,

I just....you just....with the walking in a huge line across the sidewalk and the stopping for pictures and the.......vhghjlhdsetdfkyi;ilhjffertffaadsgj

Just remember, even though you are just visiting, LOTS of people LIVE in New York City.  And they're all sorry they're mad at you but, seriously guys?  Some of us have appointments to get to and it takes time to walk around you and your 16 elderly relatives. Just.... exercise some common sense and decency and we'll do the same, agreed?

Sincerely,

Ashleigh

Breathing Easy

The itty bitty Statue of Liberty.

play me
The weather in New York has taken a merciful turn for the chilly (I love winter) and I couldn't be happier.  In fact, I'm all smiles today.  I feel like there is a ball of light radiating from the core of me.  I haven't felt this way in a while.  After spending a quiet day at home, padding around in stocking feet, I looked outside and saw the beginnings of a perfect sunset.  I quickly threw some shoes on, grabbed my coat and my camera, and went for a walk around my neighborhood.  I live just two blocks from the water with the most magical view of the Statue of Liberty and Lower Manhattan and walking along the water and taking pictures at sunset is quickly becoming one of my favorite things to do.  Today as I walked in the chilly, wintry air, staring out at the sunset over the Atlantic I was completely overcome with happiness.  It bubbled up from deep inside me and settled in my chest.  I couldn't help but smile and snap away with my camera.

Along the pier.

Why do I feel this way?  Because I no longer have to worry about moving back to California in January (which for a time was something I was wrestling with given my employment status) because I found a job with a company that I am completely stoked about (!).  I feel....lighter, like the weight of stress and worry that I've been carrying around with me since I decided to take a leap of faith and move across the country has finally been lifted.  Miraculously, everything is working out.  I almost can't believe it.  And yet, at the same time, I can.  Because it is what my mother has been saying to me for the past 6 months (ok, let's be honest, for the past 24 years)--if you have faith, and put positive energy out into the universe, good things will come your way.  I haven't breathed this easy in a long time, and it feels SO good to be able to.  As I walked around the pier and along the water, I took long, deep breaths of the cold, crisp air, enjoying every moment.  Because I live here.  Finally.

Today I laughed Until I Cried.

At a video of an MIT professor drawing lines on a chalkboard.  My GOD do I wish I was kidding.  Alas, I am not.  It appears I have cabin fever and it is going to my head.  My bedroom in Brooklyn lacks a window, which usually wouldn't be a problem but when you spend the majority of your time at home, the walls start to close in and everything begins to get very...intense.  Sounds become louder, lights become brighter, and silliness becomes even sillier.  Normally I would combat this with some good ol' fashioned walking around, but it is pouring outside so my options are limited.  Until the rains let up I'm confined to the house, looking at pictures from my walk a few days ago and dreamin' of clear skies.

Seriously though, how crazy is this view? This is two blocks from my apartment. Magical.

My Thanksgiving or A Strange Day to be a Vegetarian

Thanksgiving is a favorite holiday of mine.  I love the nostalgia it invokes, I love the smells of the meal cooking, I love sitting with my siblings in our pajamas, eating carrot bread and watching the parade.  This year we decided to do it a little differently.  As I just moved to the East Coast 2 weeks before the holiday it seemed silly for me to fly all the way home again to eat a meal with my parents.  Instead, on Wednesday I took the train down (over?) to Boston to spend the holiday with my little sister and dearest friend Marissa and her family.  This was my first Thanksgiving not spent at home in California, and it was full of joy and laughter and delicious food.  You may be wondering, "Ashleigh, if you have forsaken the eating of meat, what, pray tell, did you nosh on this most gastro-focused of days?" (sorry, I watched a lot of Deadwood over the weekend). An excellent question, certainly--Marissa's all to kind parents made salmon just for me so I could partake in the beautiful feast they prepared.  And even though I was eying the turkey and mashed potatoes the entire time, salivating like an idiot, my own food was so delicious that I was easily distracted.  Thanksgiving is a strange day to be a vegetarian, to be sure, but I made it through with hardly any trouble and a very full stomach.

I, like an idiot, left my camera at home so had to rely on my iPhone to capture the weekend, a mistake I won't likely make again.  Being without my SLR in a beautiful place like New England was pretty agonizing; I kept kicking myself all weekend.  Alas, here are some lovely shots from my cellular device.  Hope your holiday weekend was as magical as mine!

p.s. As you can see by the last row of photos, my sister and I made a sojourn to Hingham, MA with Marissa's family to Wahlburgers which is exactly what you think it is: the new burger joint owned and operated by Mark, Donnie and Paul Wahlberg.  It was a great time--I had yummy grilled cheese (they don't have vegetarian options yet), Steve Carrell was there (literally), and Hingham is right on the beautiful water.  Such a lovely day.