Saturday, January 16, 2010

Naming Rivers

The Dodos - Acorn Factory (live) from KEXP RADIO on Vimeo.
(Remember how I pledged to "direct" these blog posts more?  No? Yeah, I forgot too.  Here is a little something from a band I just discovered.  Hopefully it rounds out your reading experience.  Enjoy!)
I've been in a weird head space for these past several weeks.  Basically, I think I can chalk it up to one thing: DENIAL.  Yes, not only is it a river in Egypt, it is also the way I have decided it will be best to function.  This, of course, is a terrible, terrible idea, one that only leads to frustration and sadness, but none the less, it is how I have been living.

Generally, holidays aren't my favorite time.  Certainly this seems irrational, but if you had the extended family that I have, you would understand that because the holidays mean lots of family time, they are not as awesome as one would hope.  It is really difficult for me to write about for many reason, the major of which has something to do with dirty laundry in the public arena, but let me just say that my grandparents aren't what you would call "nice" people, which, you guessed it, makes the holidays freaking awkward.  Luckily, I have been blessed with a superb set of supplemental grandparents who were two of the best people I have ever had the opportunity to know.  Grandma passed away almost 10 years ago and sadly, just two days before Christmas, Grandpa Irv (excellent phrases from Grandpa Irv here) passed away.  It was expected but certainly still unbelievably sad, and I think since then I've been in denial of my grief, which, on a scale of unhealthy to unbelievably good for you is definitely super unhealthy.  I've never had a family member die before (my biological grandparents are quite young, as are my parents) and so I don't think I exactly know how to process someone passing.  I'm learning, slowly, but it is a process.

Despite this, the holidays were magical because all of my friends were home and I got to spend time with a large number of them.  However, this was short lived as people have school and work and lives to get back to.  Plus, there are several of my friends leaving for other countries for their Peace Corps positions and, while I am unbelievably excited for them, at the same time, it puts in pretty harsh perspective what the next few months are going to look like here at home. These friends, especially the Peace Corps ones, have been my rocks while living at home for the past 8 months.  Without them (and many others who aren't moving away, thank god), I would have been going CRAZY by now.  And now, with one of my dearest friends, Jenny, leaving for her adventure on Monday, I'm feeling smaller and smaller and more alone.  Part of the problem I think is that while I can't wait to get back to New York City in a few months, I have just secured this really awesome job which I am really enjoying and is tempting enough to make me want to stay in the Bay Area longer.  I know in my heart that this isn't the right decision, since every time I hear about any fun thing happening in New York City with my college friends, I feel like part of my heart is missing, but it doesn't keep me from imagining what it might be like to move home for real, and bring my whole heart to reside here.  It's a really tough decision that I've been denying answering for months now, but now that people are starting to move forward with their own lives, I know that I need to move forward with mine and make a decision.  Be a grown up.  Grow a pair.

The next few months are going to be interesting and defining and hopefully challenging, and I can't wait to figure out what it is what I truly want at this moment, I'm not 100% sure yet.  Check back here for more updates, I am going to try to be a better blogger and hopefully break that 100 post mark and maybe even find a few more blog friends and followers.  I can use all the help I can get as I attempt to figure stuff out (If there was a river called Choices I would absolutely be eternally bathing at its shores).

My best to the blogosphere this MLK Jr. Weekend.  And prayers for Haiti.


  1. oh Ash.. you r one of the best girls i have ever met. i know your life will unfold just as it should.. you just have to give into it.. let it take you over lie water carrying you to your nest thing. and that thing will be perfect for you..i am sorry for your loss. my dad (94) died 2 days before Christmas last year, and it is still tough. but i take comfort in believing that he is in a much better place. with my mom, and he can help me more now than never. i am sure he is much happier now. know that he is with you always and probably helping to guid you to the next thing in your life.. you and Camilla need to take more photos soon......hugs to your wonderful parents.. XO

  2. oh i think you would be so great as a photojournalist. you have a great eye and a great perspective on life. i know guy in New York, Ed Kashi who is a very talented nice guy.. check out his work. i used to hire all the guys from Magnum. they are an impressive bunch.. check you those guys too.!!