Ponder

listen

I've been thinking lately about those choices that lie ahead of us.  There are an infinite number of them just floating out there.  And at each moment, you can grab at any of them and, depending on which one your fingers hold onto tightest, the scenery changes.  Not to get all chaos theory up in here (mostly because I don't really understand it), but the ripples from these tiny changes extend in every direction and effect everything in front of you.  Isn't that just amazing?  I find this oddly comforting.

Whenever I am running late (which, to be honest, is often) and I find myself stressing over why the light won't change or why the person in front of me is driving like a 98,243,489 year old man, I usually stop and think to myself, "Ok, obviously I'm running late for a reason.  Is it to teach me the 'leave-earlier, why-don't-you?' lesson?  Or am I supposed to notice something here? I wonder who I am supposed to meet or what I am avoiding by sitting here."  (yes, it is a little bit self indulgent of me to say this.  Sometimes I'm late just because I'm easily distracted, but there are definitely other times when the universe puts things in my way.  I'm talking about those times). To me, this thought process takes a leap of faith.  It involves trusting that there is something out there much much smarter than me that is watching out for me as I move through the world.  I take comfort in this.  It is sort of beautiful, right?  I try not to imagine this being as a maniacal puppet master, pulling unseen strings (though it is a sort of unavoidable image, right?).  Rather, I like to think of it as warm, safe light ahead of me, illuminating the safest path.

So, what's ahead of me right now?  Well....the unknown.  Which is completely terrifying.  I realized yesterday that in a little more than 6 weeks, I'm officially done with my current job.  Like totally done.  Forever.  And as of right now, I have no plan.  Sure, I have things in the works (what up, The Violet?), but nothing concrete.  Part of me is completely terrified--what kind of crazy person wants to be unemployed with no plan?  And at the same time, another part of me is simultaneously calm and exhilerated because I trust that warm, guiding light completely.  As of right now it feels like that light is pointing me back towards my beloved NYC, which I literally couldn't be happier about, but that's not a definite. 

So stay tuned, folks.  Because times, they are a'changing.

I'm Completely Obsessed...

...with this song by Band of Horses.  My dear friend Hilary put it on a mix she just gave me (she makes the best mixes!) and it is the perfect driving song.  So turn up your speakers as loud as they go and hit play.  You won't regret it.

The Violet Is Here!

I don't know that Camilla and I could be more excited about The Violet's first issue being published.  Check it out here.

More Reasons Why...

...I've been away from the bliggity blog lately.  I've been in the recording studio!  It is nothing fancy, me and the guys I write with have been using a local high school's recording booth to lay down some sweet beats.  I'll keep you posted when these audio gems are available.  For now, here are some pictures from our first foray into the world of recording.  I had a huge smile on my face the entire time, I just couldn't help it.  It was beyond fun.

These boys are the most fun.  I feel grateful that I get to spend so much silly, ridiculous time with them.  More updates next week when we return to the studio.

Reasons Why...

...I've been away from the blog for a month:

Images from my trip to Chicago.  More on that soon.

Writing from Places Unknown

Right now I am sitting in a Barnes & Noble Starbucks.  This would not be a strange thing, except that a) it is Wednesday afternoon and normally I'd be at work and b) I'm in Skokie, IL.  Yes, that's right.  I'm in Illinois.  I hopped a plane to Chicago on Sunday morning and will be here (and the surrounding suburbs) until Saturday.  I've got to tell you, it is sort of great.  I mean, first of all I'm sitting in a Starbucks and not sequestered in my office (awesome!) but secondly I'm on a trip with my best friend Marissa, exploring a place that could potentially be my home in 2 1/2 months.  Yes, you read that right, it is possible that in just a few months I'll be moving to a place I never thought I'd go, THE MIDWEST.  Now, granted, Chicago isn't exactly rural or anything, it is a city like any other (and the Midwest isn't all rural, I know that), but I never imagined myself living in the middle-ish part of the US.  I'm pretty much a bicoastal girl through and through.  I love the ocean.  And while Chicago doesn't have the ocean, it does have Lake Michigan, which is pretty fantastic (and generally big enough to imagine as an ocean).  It also has this great vibe.  Do you know what I mean?  I have a pretty strong sense of the energy of a place--I know when it works for me and I definitely know when it doesn't.  For example, LA?  Yeah, that totally doesn't work for me.  But NYC?  I knew the second I stepped out of the cab the first time I went there that it was the right fit for me.  This is the same feeling I got in Chicago when I went the first time.  We drove onto Lakeshore Drive and I saw it unfurl in front of me and I just...knew.  I knew this could be a potential home for me.

View from Navy Pier.

I have to tell you that this trip, unlike any trip I've taken before, terrified me.  Not that I find cities difficult or scary or anything.  Come on.  Three years in NYC toughened me up.  But this trip is the first step in a series that have very little safety net.  In New York I was there to go to school so I had everything all set up when I arrived--where to live, where to eat, what to do with my time.  Moving back to California was much the same--I had a place to live, food in the cupboards, and a job.  But here?  Here there is none of that.  I have no idea where we are going to live.  And I have no idea where we should eat.  And I most definitely don't have a job (nor can I afford to, as I have in the past, get an unpaid internship that turn into a full time job).  I also don't know a soul in the city.  At least in NYC I knew my uncle was close enough to help if something went terribly wrong.  Here, he's the closest family member to me....and he lives in upstate New York.  I feel brand new, like it is my first time anywhere.  I got lost 3 times getting from our hotel to the bus stop 4 blocks away.  I have (up until today, today I am doing better) no idea where I am in relation to anything.  I feel bold in coming here, trying this choice on for size.  Truly, there is a 50/50 chance this is where I'll end up in June (the alternate choice is NYC.  It all depends on where I can get a job).  And I'm sort of stoked on the idea.  I mean, I'm totally naive to the city and the insane weather that goes on here, but isn't that fantastic?  It is a place where I know no one and no one knows me.  If I wanted to, I could change my personality completely, show the world a whole new Ashleigh (I'm sure this won't happen, but it is pretty awesome that the option is there, right?).  There are very few times that this opportunity (and this risk) to leave it all behind comes up and is actually possible.  I'm fortunate to be young, with no one to support but myself, and able to try something like this.

Right now absolutely nothing is set in stone, but from here until June, things are going to happen really quickly.  There are tons of decisions to be made and things to do to prep, but for now I'm going to just enjoy this little bit of the unknown.

If Found, Please Call...

I have lost my creativity.  Ok, not lost.  Lost seems a little to dire.  Let's say misplaced.  I have misplaced my creativity.  I don't really know where it went, but it seems to have disappeared off the face of the planet.  I go through spells like this every once in a while, where I don't feel inspired.  Typically, I just ride it out, work through whatever is going on and bing bang boom, in no time at all, the creative juices are flowing through me once more.  But now?  Now is literally the most inconvenient time in the world for me to feel uninspired.  I have so so so much to do for The Violet and nary a shred of motivation with which to accomplish any of it.  I feel frustrated, especially since my usual tricks aren't working.  Ok, trick.  I have one trick.  Do you want to know what it is?  Singing.  LOUDLY.  Often while accompanying myself on some sort of stringed instrument.  Lately, however, my throat is doing this thing (my osteopath called it a "stress response") where it gets all tense and doesn't want to relax and so singing isn't so much relaxing as it is frustrating and agitating and discouraging.  Worry not, oh friends of the blog, I have a doctor's appointment on Thursday and we are going to figure this whole thing out.  I promise to keep you posted.

Until then, I am trying to find little other things to distract me from my creative ennui.  For example, on Sunday I took a drive up to Napa (as much as I dislike living here, sometimes Northern California has perks) with two beautiful friends for a wine tasting afternoon.  It was pure magic, even though it was a tad bit rainy, with mist rolling over the hills and winding its way through the vineyards.  As far as Sundays go, this one was the tops.