Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Balloon Animals in the 1st Circle

I'm really feeling this song right now.  Probably because I both love the 12 string guitar and love the Decemberists.  Go figure.

Greetings, friends.  It has been quite some time, hasn't it.  Seriously, it has been a while since I just wrote anything here, which is weird since that's the whole point of this damn thing anyway, right?  To write.  I can't exactly explain to you why this has been the case for the past several weeks.  But I realized today, after being reminded that it is best if the stage manager arrives early to rehearsals, something which I know innately at the very depth of my being, that for the last month or so I haven't really felt...connected, I guess, to my body.  I've just been this brain floating about in a people shell.  I haven't really been present.  It's terrifying, really, to feel so disconnected from everything and at the same time it is super confusing because you can't exactly figure out why you feel that way and you certainly can't see any conceivable way to get yourself out of the whole thing.  So you just hang there, your brain like a balloon tied to a weight--you are physically bound to where you are, but are also floating aimlessly about, totally susceptible to the changes around you, to the current of the wind, and you allow these outside things to move you about without really thinking about it.  

I haven't taken any new photographs in over a month.  My guitar, my beautiful shiny guitar, is collecting dust next to my bed.  I don't really sing very often.  I feel--far.  Distant.  I'm not making my mark on anything in the world around me, and each day that I don't, I slip a little bit farther away into balloon land.  It is a terrifying feeling, not feeling grounded, and I really have no reason to feel this way.  I have a good job and I have a great place to live where I am surrounded by people who love me.  There is no reason for the listlessness I am feeling right now.  I listen to friends of mine (especially my dear soon-to-be-traveling friend.  You know who you are) who tell me beautiful stories about finding amazing, unexpected connections with new, interesting people and I feel insanely jealous because I just don't know how to do that.  Or I've completely forgotten.  

There is an acting technique that talks about existing based on levels.  These levels are called circles, and there are 3 of them.  From what I can remember (and this could be totally incorrect, so bear with me), the 3rd circle, the farthest from you, is loud and boisterous.  You know when you meet someone who lives mostly in 3rd circle--they are exhausting, they throw their energy outward, but for their own benefit.  The 2nd circle is the ideal circle for actors (and, in fact, for people in general) because it is the level where you are just present.  When you are with another person you are with that person, and when you are alone with your self you are with yourself but still recognize that you are part of the world.  The 1st circle, the closest to your self, is the most closed off.  Again, when you meet people who live entirely in 1st circle, you know it. They are distant, they are focused on themselves, they often have blank eyes.  I've prided myself on living as much as I can in the 2nd circle, but for some reason over the past several weeks, I've slipped into the 1st circle and can't seem to extricate myself from its web.  

Part of it, I think, is that I've forgotten to live each day with intention or to even set an intention for my existence.  The thought of being in California for a year feels like inaction to me, when in fact it is the complete opposite of that.  Staying home, despite how much my soul yearns for the East, is action because it truely will get me to where I am meant to go.  Perhaps also some of my magnetic attatchment to the 1st circle is because I really do know where I want to go, but since it will take me longer than I really want it to take, I've decided not to make any connections in California, so that when I finally do need to leave here, I don't feel as though there is anything keeping me.  Wow...that is just about the most unhealthy pattern of living I've ever seen.  And I get upset that I have no friends here which makes me feel bad about myself which makes me keep to myself.  It's a vicious, man-eating circle, this 1st circle.   And it's bullshit that it is totally ruling my life.  What kind of kick ass lady can I ever expect to be if I allow irrational theories to derail my very specific, very exciting life plan?  So hey, 1st circle, get ready.  Because I'm coming to kick your ass.

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