Saturday, September 25, 2010

Step Step Step

I have thought a lot about posting something here over the last few weeks.  I mean a lot.  There is a ton of shit going on in my head and it seems like sometimes saying it to the nameless, faceless interwebs actually helps.  And yet, I stop myself every single time.  Why, might you ask?  Because I worry for you, oh reader.  I know that I'm in a funk/slump, one like I've never experienced before, and that I am doing my best to pull myself up out of it, but I find myself not wanting to share it for fear of this blog becoming very johnny-one-note.  Like all 3 of you would come here and see a new post and be like, "Oh, Jesus, Ashleigh is depressed...AGAIN.  How lame."  And you know what, that is just crazytown.  I started writing this thing to chronicle the renaissance of my post-college 20s, not to be all sunshine and rainbows every second.  Change is hard, reinvigoration takes work, and growing older is messy.  I'm just trying to figure it all out the best I can.  I thank you for reading, especially for those who have been following since the beginning.  As I'm sure you are well aware, the future is completely unknown to me and I have big plans for myself.  I invite you to join me on this adventure.  Who the hell knows, it could be freaking magical.

I've found that over the past few months I've created a sort of mantra for myself.  It was totally unintentional, something that just crept up on me and shines a little light when I feel like everything has gone to shit:  Step Forward.  So simple, right?  It is almost comically simple, and yet there in lies the beauty.  Sometimes this is the hardest thing in the world to remember, especially when work is getting me down and I am missing New York City, but taking one little step towards what I want, even if it is almost negligibly small, brings me peace and gives me the strength to take another step.  

I found this picture I'd taken of my brother in the spring, facing down a massive tree.  He's a big guy, but in the picture he looks so small in the shadow of this giant.  This is how I am feeling--teeny tiny as I march towards this giant unknown future.  And at the same time, I find comfort in this image.  I love trees, they are strong and beautiful and full of life.  And if that's what I'm walking towards--a big, beautiful, lively unknown--them I'm ok with that.  I find peace and solace in that.

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