Friday, November 30, 2012

Tiny Feelings

I am having so many tiny feelings today. SO MANY. And they are distracting and they are non-motivating and I feel like I'm sinking into non-creativity, which makes me all the more distracted and unmotivated and non-creative.

I don't want to do anything but there are so many things that I have to do.

I don't want to go anywhere but I hate staying home.

I don't want to write but I know that I need to.

Singing and playing the guitar feels like a chore but I know it will make me feel so much better if I can just get all of these tiny thoughts out into the universe.

Meditating feels like inaction but, again, I don't want to do anything.

I'm pretty sure I'm in the definition of a rut.

Got some bad job news yesterday, which was and is disappointing and makes me feel sort of useless. I feel like I'm failing at everything, even the tiny things like taking my laundry to the laundromat. Every time I make progress in one place, something else seems to go all to hell. What is that?!

Ugh. I feel frustrated and trapped. I feel like a child but I have the responsibilities of an adult, which I'm having a hard time taking care of. I don't recognize my own self. When did I become this person? This person who is unenthusiastic about writing or anything creative? This person who is unmotivated? This person who doesn't fight for things? This person who is afraid to say what she really means? This person who is afraid of asking for the things she wants? Who are you, bizarro Ashleigh?

I don't like any of this. Not one bit.

1 comment:

  1. Words from the almost wise....when you are in a hole ( or rut) STOP DIGGING! Whatever you have been doing is not helping. So do the opposite. Do the opposite of digging. Do something scary. Do something that makes you feel instead of something that allows you to avoid. Oh, and a trip to the Met might also help.