An Ashleigh Renaissance

The 1st (well, 2nd) Day of the Rest of My Life

2012-01-04T17:30:00.002-05:00

I had this moment walking home yesterday from my first day at my new job, this moment where I actually stepped away from my physical body and hovered over myself, taking the entire scene in and feeling completely astonished. Because at 24 (and a half, but who's counting), yesterday was the first day of my adult life or, to be more specific, my life as an adult on my own. I am 3000 miles away from my dear parents and beginning to do things totally (mostly) on my own for the first time. Yesterday was literally the first day of the rest of my life.

I can't say that I've dreamt of this moment my whole life because really, I didn't ever think of this moment specifically before last night, but it seems like something one should dream about--the day when you are on your own for reals, the day when you become responsible for you entirely. Don't misunderstand me, my parents haven't tossed me off completely, they are still helping me until my first paycheck comes in (ok, maybe until the 2nd comes in. They are the best). But once that happens, it is Ashleigh responsibility time. And you know what? Even though that is completely terrifying, it is also super exciting. I've sort of been waiting for this time in my life for a while, ever since graduating from college in fact. And even though right now it feels a little bit like I'm just visiting New York for funsies, I know that feeling is going to go away soon (or at least diminish). Things are finally starting to take shape for me in this city that I love and I sort of can't believe it. I get to do so many lovely and fun things here in New York, which include but aren't limited to-: 1) live in my favorite city, 2) work in my field doing something I actually believe in and enjoy, 3) play guitar for tiny people on a regular basis (starting next week!), 4) see my beautiful college friends whenever I can/want, 5) eat all the yummy food New York City has to offer. My dear friend Kyle said it best: what an amazing time to be alive and living in New York City.

I've mentioned it before (at least twice), but during college I would walk around the city and be stopped dead in my tracks because I realized, "I live here. I can't believe it." It still happens and every time I get the same tingle down my spine and smile across my face. I feel constantly elated that I get to live my life in the place of my dreams every single day. How many people get to say that? And sometimes when I feel that familiar smile start to cross my face I fast forward 20 or 30 years into the future and I look back at this time on my life and I feel incredibly blessed and grateful, saying to myself (and my future family), "How lucky was I that I got to be young and alive in New York City at such a time? Isn't that amazing?! Let me tell you, future as-yet-unnamed-child-of-mine, it was amazing to me even then." (this is totally true and a totally unweird conversation to imagine, by the way).

Being able to consult with my future self is sort of a new thing and I assume comes from getting older. I swear, I just had this moment about a year ago while, I believe, I was watching an episode Bones that I suddenly became aware of how fragile and imminent the end is. Now, I know that this sounds a) like something some sort of paranoid hypochondriac would say and b) a little overly dramatic, but it is true. For some reason, on this day, sitting on the couch alone in my parents living room, I realized that, at some point, I will no longer exist. And while the crushing weight of this terrifying realization washed over me, I was met with what is probably the most comforting image that has ever come to my mind. It was of me, a very old and crimpy and completely content grey-haired lady, laying in a bed at the end, surrounded by my family. And I concede that this image is likely something I've constructed out of scenes from movies and television shows, but I none the less was calmed by it. Because it seemed to mean that there was something out there for me, something I was and have always been driving towards--a life. A full, beautiful, exciting life. And every choice that I make is leading me towards that moment and all the moments before it. What a fantastic and transcendent thought, ay? I am learning to accepted that every step of my journey to that image is taking me exactly where I need to go and teaching me what I need to learn, even if I often have no idea what I'm going or where I am going. The not knowing is half the fun, right? Truthfully, I don't know if I completely agree with that statement but I am learning to be ok with it and allow for the possibility that it might be true.

So here I am, on the 2nd day of the rest of my life, journey yet to be written, but knowing a beautiful and satisfying destination lies just beyond it. Not too shabby for a Wednesday, I'd say. Not too shabby at all.

Back in New York

2012-01-02T21:20:00.000-05:00

a picture from my cab ride home early this morning.

I'm back home in NYC after a quick trip to my homeland of California. I love the holidays and being able to go home to beautiful California "winter" (it was like 60 degrees the entire time) was lovely. I had WAAAAAAAY to much fun and have returned to New York a content lady who is ready to start the new chapter in her life. That new chapter starts tomorrow, when I start my new job. WAHOOO! I'm super excited. I've got more posts brewing so keep an eye out. If the past two days are any indication, 2012 is going to be a great year, full of happiness, laughter, friends, and family. And I can't wait.

Little Holiday Letters

2011-12-14T15:19:00.000-05:00

Dear Eggnog,

I always thought you were gross but guess what? Adding brandy makes all the difference. Thanks for being delicious.

your new friend,
Ashleigh

Dear Giant Christmas Tree,

Even though part of me gets a little sad that a big tree like you was chopped down, I think you are super pretty and fantastic. Keep up the good work.

in gratitude,

Ashleigh

Dear New York Holiday Tourists,

I just....you just....with the walking in a huge line across the sidewalk and the stopping for pictures and the.......vhghjlhdsetdfkyi;ilhjffertffaadsgj

Just remember, even though you are just visiting, LOTS of people LIVE in New York City. And they're all sorry they're mad at you but, seriously guys? Some of us have appointments to get to and it takes time to walk around you and your 16 elderly relatives. Just.... exercise some common sense and decency and we'll do the same, agreed?

Sincerely,

Ashleigh

Breathing Easy

2011-12-10T17:12:00.001-05:00

The itty bitty Statue of Liberty.

play me
The weather in New York has taken a merciful turn for the chilly (I love winter) and I couldn't be happier. In fact, I'm all smiles today. I feel like there is a ball of light radiating from the core of me. I haven't felt this way in a while. After spending a quiet day at home, padding around in stocking feet, I looked outside and saw the beginnings of a perfect sunset. I quickly threw some shoes on, grabbed my coat and my camera, and went for a walk around my neighborhood. I live just two blocks from the water with the most magical view of the Statue of Liberty and Lower Manhattan and walking along the water and taking pictures at sunset is quickly becoming one of my favorite things to do. Today as I walked in the chilly, wintry air, staring out at the sunset over the Atlantic I was completely overcome with happiness. It bubbled up from deep inside me and settled in my chest. I couldn't help but smile and snap away with my camera.

Along the pier.

Why do I feel this way? Because I no longer have to worry about moving back to California in January (which for a time was something I was wrestling with given my employment status) because I found a job with a company that I am completely stoked about (!). I feel....lighter, like the weight of stress and worry that I've been carrying around with me since I decided to take a leap of faith and move across the country has finally been lifted. Miraculously, everything is working out. I almost can't believe it. And yet, at the same time, I can. Because it is what my mother has been saying to me for the past 6 months (ok, let's be honest, for the past 24 years)--if you have faith, and put positive energy out into the universe, good things will come your way. I haven't breathed this easy in a long time, and it feels SO good to be able to. As I walked around the pier and along the water, I took long, deep breaths of the cold, crisp air, enjoying every moment. Because I live here. Finally.

Today I laughed Until I Cried.

2011-12-06T17:04:00.001-05:00

At a video of an MIT professor drawing lines on a chalkboard. My GOD do I wish I was kidding. Alas, I am not. It appears I have cabin fever and it is going to my head. My bedroom in Brooklyn lacks a window, which usually wouldn't be a problem but when you spend the majority of your time at home, the walls start to close in and everything begins to get very...intense. Sounds become louder, lights become brighter, and silliness becomes even sillier. Normally I would combat this with some good ol' fashioned walking around, but it is pouring outside so my options are limited. Until the rains let up I'm confined to the house, looking at pictures from my walk a few days ago and dreamin' of clear skies.

Seriously though, how crazy is this view? This is two blocks from my apartment. Magical.

My Thanksgiving or A Strange Day to be a Vegetarian

2011-11-28T14:35:00.001-05:00

Thanksgiving is a favorite holiday of mine. I love the nostalgia it invokes, I love the smells of the meal cooking, I love sitting with my siblings in our pajamas, eating carrot bread and watching the parade. This year we decided to do it a little differently. As I just moved to the East Coast 2 weeks before the holiday it seemed silly for me to fly all the way home again to eat a meal with my parents. Instead, on Wednesday I took the train down (over?) to Boston to spend the holiday with my little sister and dearest friend Marissa and her family. This was my first Thanksgiving not spent at home in California, and it was full of joy and laughter and delicious food. You may be wondering, "Ashleigh, if you have forsaken the eating of meat, what, pray tell, did you nosh on this most gastro-focused of days?" (sorry, I watched a lot of Deadwood over the weekend). An excellent question, certainly--Marissa's all to kind parents made salmon just for me so I could partake in the beautiful feast they prepared. And even though I was eying the turkey and mashed potatoes the entire time, salivating like an idiot, my own food was so delicious that I was easily distracted. Thanksgiving is a strange day to be a vegetarian, to be sure, but I made it through with hardly any trouble and a very full stomach.

I, like an idiot, left my camera at home so had to rely on my iPhone to capture the weekend, a mistake I won't likely make again. Being without my SLR in a beautiful place like New England was pretty agonizing; I kept kicking myself all weekend. Alas, here are some lovely shots from my cellular device. Hope your holiday weekend was as magical as mine!

p.s. As you can see by the last row of photos, my sister and I made a sojourn to Hingham, MA with Marissa's family to Wahlburgers which is exactly what you think it is: the new burger joint owned and operated by Mark, Donnie and Paul Wahlberg. It was a great time--I had yummy grilled cheese (they don't have vegetarian options yet), Steve Carrell was there (literally), and Hingham is right on the beautiful water. Such a lovely day.

New York City is a Beautiful Place

2011-11-21T13:04:00.001-05:00

View from Central Park

Sometimes I am just floored by how absolutely beautiful New York City is. There were lots of times during college (ok, let's not lie to ourselves, it still happens) that I would be walking around and I would be completely overwhelmed by the things I was seeing. I think that I've dreamt about New York for so long and so often that at some point between me knowing that it was a place (we're talking 2nd or 3rd grade) and living here (and now moving here!) it became this mythical place in my mind. Like you'd have to cross a rainbow bridge or battle a troll to get to it. And yet somewhere in my dreaming I ended up here. And that is something I am grateful for every day.

An Ashleigh Grows in Brooklyn

2011-11-14T08:00:00.000-05:00

view of the sunset from Ikea

It’s official. After2 and a half years of waiting and longing and bitching and moaning I, AshleighHill, am a New Yorker once more. Orshould I say a Brooklynite? Or a Red Hookian? No matter how you slice it, I am back and ready for adventure. Truthfully, Saturday was a scary day. A month ago when I decided to move back toNew York my mom decided that it was something I had to do alone; for the firsttime in my life, she wouldn’t be there when I moved. I didn’t realize just how fucking big of adeal this was until Saturday morning, as I drove around Brooklyn with a lost cab driver,Googling directions to the apartment and praying to see a glimpse of somethingfamiliar. It was scary as hell, havingno idea what I was walking into, that fear that grabs your insides and makesyou stop in your tracks. As I stared atmy stark room at 8 am Saturday morning, running on probably 2 hours of sleep, all Icould think was, “WHAT HAVE I DONE?!!? I CANT DO THIS!” I stood there for probably 5 minutes, justlooking around the room and mumbling, “oh shit oh shit oh shit” under mybreath. Some tiny part of my brain,thankfully, had planned for this exact situation in the days beforemoving. As soon as my bed and beddingwas delivered a few days ahead of my arrival I began to run through my plan forsettling in. Item #1 was to make my bedso I could crawl into it and sleep. Inthe midst of my freak out, that tiny pre-planning part of my brain startedshouting, “ASHLEIGH: make. the. bed. MAKE. THE. BED.” Pretty soon my “oh shit” chorus became a round,melding with “make the bed” and before I knew it, the bed was made, I hadretrieved pjs from my enormous suitcase and was in bed.

Top: Dean and Kyle, Bottom: sights of Ikea

I woke up a few hours later with a plan. I had spent the winding down to sleep timeplanning what I wanted to do with my room. I made a list in my head. I wentover it as I slept. When I woke up Iwrote the list in my phone and set about preparing for my darlings, Dean andKyle, to arrive for lunch and an Ikea trip. There is no need to go into a ton of detail about this part of the dayas most of it consisted of browsing the Ikea show room and laughing until mysides nearly split but needless to say we found 90% of the things on my listand brought them back to my apartment. Here is what I will say about Dean and Kyle: these are they people youwant as friends—the people who will haul their asses on a bus out to Brooklynand spend 3 hours in Ikea with you, planning and mentally decorating your roomand THEN return and set everything up. These are the guys, the ones who stay until it is done. The ones who, even though they are clearlytired, carefully move through the set up to make sure that everything is donecorrectly. The ones who, after all issaid and done, still want to go out and celebrate and don’t even get mad whenyou get everyone lost walking to the train. Theseare the guys you want to have with you. I am BEYOND grateful to them for all they did today (and to my newroommate, Kyla, as well, who has kept me sane the past week by working aroundweird mattress delivery schedules and giving me huge pieces of furniture). I know that without these three I would havespent most of the day in my room, crying over a seemingly terribledecision. These three, with theirconfidence and their caring, gave me the strength to be brave on a daywhen I missed my mom and dad more than anything. And it is because of these three that I knowthat everything is going to be ok. Because I know I have people in my corner, even if I’m not 100% surewhere that corner is or what bus I need to take to get there. And knowing this is half the battle. Looking back on today, the best thing I didwas to make a plan and then set out to execute it, detail by detail. And the absolute best thing I did was choseto surround myself with people who wanted to help make that possible.

Things that are difficult might not always be fun, but theycertainly help us learn in a way that nothing else can. And sometimes these are the experiences weneed, the ones that make us take a step back and make a detailed list, the onesthat make us feel hyper aware, the ones that force us to take a risk.

Moving On Up

2011-11-11T11:00:00.000-05:00

11.11.11. Truthfully, I didn't plan for this to be the day for me to make such a huge step. I guess fate stepped in and started steering the ship (or fate was steering the ship the whole time and I am just surfing along the waves it creates for me). Either way, today will forever be an important day for me. It is the day I started a new adventure. It is the day I realized just exactly how many articles of clothing I had (I had a 3 box pipe dream that was quickly dashed when I discovered a long lost bag of sweaters). It is the day that I finally pushed myself out of the nest. It is the day I began my real renaissance.

It is strange, days like this don't often come up and introduce themselves. Important days like the day you start on your own path seem to happen more spontaneously. You usually don't get 6 weeks to roll every detail over in your mind. They are usually only fully realized in hind sight. And to be honest, I don't know if the extra time has made me any better prepared. It is still going to be a scramble right up until the end (and beyond really, since banks aren't opened tomorrow). But today I know that everything is going to be ok. Today I actually feel calm and level headed. Today I feel ready, even if my suitcase is not.

It's here.

2011-11-09T11:00:00.000-05:00

The day I've waited for is finally here. I know what you are thinking, "Silly Ashleigh, it isn't Friday yet! You still have two days until you move!" Alas, dear reader, Moving Day isn't the day I'm talking about. The day I'm talking about is the day that I start freaking out about Moving Day. To save time, we shall call this day "Freak the Fuck Out Wednesday." FtFOW, as it is colloquially known, is the day when all of the realizations that you've been putting on hold for the past, say, month or so come crashing into you and your brain begins to slowly melt out of your ears. Symptoms might also include but are not limited to: getting misty eyed at a peer editing assignment from the 6th grade you found buried in the back of your closet, sitting surrounded by a pile of books and other odds and ends chewing on your hair and staring into space, and being a total inconsiderate asshole to the people around you because leaving is hard and you are trying really hard not to think about it.

Ok, so I might have made up the part about chewing on your hair but the rest is completely real. My dad came into my room last night and I was sitting on my bed, surrounded by piles of books and sheet protectors (I found a secret stash of them in my closet) and packing tape and papers to be recycled. "Ash....what are you doing?" he asked. "Um...I don't know. I just got....stuck," I responded. Because sitting there, trying to shove my life into three 16x16x16 boxes everything just became so REAL. Like REALLY real. Because even though I've moved away from home before, this time is different. Because this time I am going away with no plans of returning...ever (except to visit, of course). And honestly, I like it at home. I never thought I would but I like living here. I like having my parents close and I like being able to hang with my dog and I just like it. And I know it is time for me to move out, I know it is, but there's a part of me that is pretty sad about going. My whole life, everything, is here. And it is hard to let some of that go. I know that not everything will change and that my parents are just a phone call and a plane ride away but I can't help missing them already. I like that I can sit here and hear them watching Parenthood and chatting in their room. I like that no matter what time of day it is or what she is doing, if I ask my mom for a hug she gives me one (and a really good one at that). I like that my dad plays stupid games in the house, like Marco Polo because he is testing my hearing. I like that in about 20 minutes my dog is going to push my door open like she owns the place and make herself a little nest on the pillow next to me. I guess I didn't realize that over the past two years while I've been bitching and moaning about how I hate living in California and how I want to go back to New York that I've actually been enjoying living here. Who would have ever thought it?

And of course this part was always going to be hard, leaving your home to make a new one someplace else is never easy, it is always complex and a little fraught. And it is also exciting and magical and fantastic. FtFOW taught me that. And tomorrow my boxes will be packed and a plan will be made and everything will be ok, I know that too. But for today I'm going to keep doing a nutty and see how that goes.

Adventure is Around the Corner

2011-11-08T14:05:00.001-05:00

Today is Tuesday, November 8th. And guess what? I am moving. To New York. In THREE days. YES, it's true. An incredible living opportunity came up and so I'm moving. I can't believe it is here already. I feel like I've been waiting for this day for 2 years (which, if you've been even a casual reader of this hear blog you know is absolutely correct). And here it is, right in front of me.

And you know what? I'm both bursting with excitement and feeling a little bit scared. This is by far the biggest risk I have ever taken. But despite this fact, I know with every fiber of my being that this is the right decision for me right now. If I didn't go now, if I didn't take this risk, I would regret it for the rest of my life. And you know, at 24 years old, that is a LONG time.

So I'm jumping, head first, into this next adventure.

Am I crazy to do this? Maybe. Probably. Certainly. But to me, that's the most exciting part of this whole thing.

Certainly I wish I had a little more security moving out there (read: a job) but I know that it'll work out. I feel like I'm finally stepping into adulthood for real. And that's the most exciting thing of all.

Afternoon

2011-10-11T20:13:00.002-04:00

Where am I?

2011-09-10T16:34:00.000-04:00

Over here! I've been posting on my Jux page lately, just giving it a try. Head on over there and check it out!

Trying Something New

2011-08-25T02:10:00.000-04:00

Have you heard of Jux? I just found out about it today and it is sort of magical.

We'll see how it goes. Check mine out here:

www.ashleighrenaissance.jux.com

On Endings and Beginnings

2011-08-11T09:00:00.001-04:00

The summer has officially ended for me. No more camp or conservatory, no more running after kids or ignoring the mountain of work behind me. I'm back in the office and things are suddenly really real. Like the fact that I have 2 and a half weeks left in my full time job and I still need to convey SO much information to the girl taking over my position. And that it is all of a sudden mid-August and school is literally right around the corner.

I love the summer because it exists almost without time. Everything is sun soaked and bright and days pass from one to the next without too much notice. This summer, I found myself teaching a fair amount, even though I hadn't planned on it. I'd planned to hunker down in my office and tackle some projects. Instead, I spent my days surrounded by children of various ages and Teaching Artists I truly admire and enjoy spending time around. I got to be creative and share some of the things I've learned as a performer with the next generation. It was magical and exhausting and I loved every minute of it.

This summer really affirmed for me that I am making the right decision by stepping out of my office position--I'd much rather be out there, getting my hands dirty, working with students and teaching (though, to be completely honest, I will really miss the security of a salaried paycheck and health insurance). There is comfort in knowing this and in feeling right in my decision to leave my current job. But it is also a little terrifying. Not the bad kind of terrifying, but the kind of terrifying that school children feel on the first day of the new school year--the terrifying that comes with stepping into the unknown. I literally don't know what is going to happen in the next year or even in the next 6 months. I have some things that I hope will happen, some things that I am trying very hard to make come to fruition, but other than that, my life is a blank page. It has been a while since that was the case.

My mother is worried about me, and with good reason. Her oldest baby is about to be unemployed. But not really. I have a work plan (and a backup work plan) and I'm not afraid to work hard to make sure I continue to pay my loans and still function as a human. My siblings are both moving out this month to go away to school, leaving just me and my parents in the house. As soon as I found out that my brother was going to be moving out, I asked my dad if he wanted me to move out too. I mean, I am the oldest, it makes sense. "No," he said. "I like having you here." I'd be lying if I said my heart didn't swell a little bit. Because, in a way, allowing me to continue to live at home is a little vote of confidence in me and a silent way to say, "We support you fully." I feel blessed to have parents who allow me to do this, to follow my heart and let it take me where it will.

Last week, when he realized that it was just going to be the three of us ("The three amigos!") in the house come September, my dad looked at my mom and me and said, "You know, it has been 22 years since it was just the three of us. I'm excited." Me too, Dad. Me too.

Atom Magazine is Real!

2011-07-23T00:36:00.001-04:00

The first issue of Atom Magazine is finally here!

It can be found online and for purchase in print and fancy digital form.

Check it out here!

I'm Back!

2011-07-12T14:28:00.000-04:00

New York was absolute magic. Getting there was absolute hell (thanks for canceling my flight, San Jose International Airport) but after a 12 hour delay and getting to sleep in my own bed (which, truthfully, was awesome) I made it to my favorite place in the world. And let me tell you, NYC did not disappoint. She was beautiful and sunny (ok, it was a little hot) and I got to see all of my favorite people there. I think I spent more time outside and walking around this weekend than I have in the last month, which was both awesome and sort of sad since, after all, I live in California where outdoor adventures are an integral part of our crunchy, hippie demeanors. Anyway, I was having so much fun that I didn't snap a ton of pictures. I was too busy being in the moment and trying to absorb as much sun and lovely friend time as humanly possible. I'm still in the process of editing them but try to share some of them later this week.

New York has this way of re-glueing any loose pieces of my heart that might have come undone. I feel revitalized and rejuvenated and I feel more creative and ready to tackle the rest of the summer. And it is awesome.

Haven't Posted in a While

2011-07-07T11:57:00.000-04:00

Mostly because I've been teaching (circus!) and writing reports (assessment!) at work but ALSO because we are just about 2 weeks away from the release of the first issue of Atom Magazine. And I've got to tell you, I am so unbelievably proud and excited for this first issue. It has been more work and more fun than I could have ever imagined.n Keep an eye out on our website for more details about downloading and buying your own print copy!

Tonight, however, I leave all the work behind because I'm heading out to NYC for the weekend. I haven't been back since November and my heart is aches for that concrete jungle. Don't get me wrong, California is lovely and beautiful during the summer while NYC usually smells like garbage. Going to New York in the hot hot summer is not a completely natural choice but no matter, I love it anyway. And (almost) all my friends from college will be there, plus old friends from childhood and new friends (Jackie!). It is going to be just the best. My heart has already grown 3 sizes in anticipation.

I promise to post more when I get back. Until then, enjoy the sweet sounds of Ivan & Alyosha, one of my new favorite bands (thanks to Meg for posting a video of theirs the other day).

Atom

2011-06-29T12:08:00.000-04:00

Monster! For no reason, really.

Sorry for being MIA on the bliggity lately. Summer has arrived in California, which means summer camp has arrived which means that I am spending my days spinning plates. Literally. I'm literally spending my days teaching children ages 4-12 how to spin plates. And juggle. It's pretty crazy but also amazing. Thus, the lack of posts.

I do want to let you all know about Atom Magazine, a new project I'm working on with two fabulous old friends of mine. Our first issue will be out around the end of July and it is going to be AWESOME. Truly. And I'm not just saying that. Go here for more information and updates as we put the finishing touches on this issue. I am beyond excited to share this with all of you, and beyond excited to say that you'll be able to order printed versions of the magazine online! They are going to be beautiful.

I promise to do better with posting in the coming weeks. PLUS, I'm going to my favorite place in the world, New York City, July 8th-11th so I'll definitely have a lot to share.

Check In

2011-06-20T08:00:00.002-04:00

Boats in SF with the Golden Gate in the background.

Summer has officially started here in California. How do I know? Well, first of all the temperature has finally reached what we Californians like to call "normal" but everyone else might refer to as "nice" or "warm". The sun is shining, my tan is actually a thing (as opposed to something imaginary), things are lovely. I also know it is Summer because last night I packed up all of my circus supplies so I can spend my morning teaching tiny people how to juggle and spin things. I love this time of year. Yes, I am absolutely a lover of fall and winter (I love sweaters), but there is something magical about the summertime. It makes me want to go outside and hang out with nature. I love leaving the doors and windows open in the afternoon and just listening. The creek that runs behind my house is teaming with frogs, and they croak their little songs day in and day out, so much that I sometimes forget, as I sit in my living room with the sliding glass door open, that I am living in the suburbs. That 3 blocks away is a CVS and a Safeway and a spa for my pet. And this thought brings me peace.

Summer is going to be busy and exciting for me. Lots of projects:

~I'm doing a bunch of sporadic circus teaching. AWESOME.

~I am working on a great article for The Violet that I'm stoked on.

AND

~I'm so happy to announce that I'm working on another magazine project with two rediscovered friends called Atom Magazine.
Truthfully, guys, this thing is going to be UNREAL. The content we have is just amazing and I'm so excited to share more with everyone. There is a big focus on art in many forms--short fiction, essays, photography, pen and ink drawings--and all of the artists that we are working with are absolutely fantastic. Seriously, I'm so incredibly excited about this mag, I can't even tell you. Check it out here: www.theatom.posterous.com. And keep checking back for more information about our first issue, out at the end of July (it'll even be available in print!).

Stuck in My Head

2011-06-17T12:21:00.000-04:00

This song is on a continuous loop in my head right now. Not quite sure why, as it isn't super summery, but I'm in love with it.

Trees, UCSC

2011-06-15T08:00:00.001-04:00

Art Studio, UCSC

2011-06-13T02:30:00.001-04:00

Away for a Bit

2011-06-09T03:11:00.000-04:00

I've been away from the blog dealing with some stuff, but that doesn't mean that I'm not finding awesome things to share with you. Like this:

(thanks, Collosal Art & Design, for sharing)

And this, which is part of a photo series by tinyevilhog:

(found through StumbleUpon, my favorite thing ever)

Regular (or as close to regular as I ever get on this thing) posting will resume soon. Fun, exciting things coming down the pike, so keep an ear out.

Mixtape 5

2011-05-27T09:00:00.001-04:00

In which I realize that "Mixtape" is a really terrible name for a series of single songs. Woops. Oh well, I'm committed now.

I love Mumford & Sons (or, as my father calls them, The Moving Company, which is, coincidentally, what I think I shall name my band). They are all my age and just stupid talented. Marcus has a voice that absolutely levels me (for reals, it sounds like it comes from his socks). Plus they like reading (note the title of the song). Jerks. Anyway, here they are, doing acoustic things and being fantastic.

2011-05-25T12:09:00.000-04:00

Hi Friends,

I'm checking in on The Violet blog today. Check it out here.

Mixtape 4

2011-05-20T09:00:00.002-04:00

Laura Marling is so much cooler than I will ever be, it is just ridiculous. I love her 2nd record so much it is just silly. I love this song in particular, especially since it is wicked fun to play on ye olde guitar.

Completely Obsessed

2011-05-18T02:16:00.000-04:00

By Julian Bialowas

My mother is the eldest of 5 siblings which means her youngest brother was just 17 years old when I was born, living at home with my grandparents (have I told this story here before? Am I repeating myself? Oh no, I can't remember!). My parents and I were living there as well so I got to spend a lot of time with him growing up. He is an adventurer and, at least at that point in his life, was traveling around the country and the world. As I remember it, he would leave for periods of time to work with Outward Bound or to be a mountain guide and then return home with stories of the great outdoors and a beard to match. Being young and surrounded by tiny nieces and nephew, he would tell us stories of his travels and we would act them out in my grandmother's living room, climbing over furniture and imagining we were traversing Mount Angashangabanga (which isn't a real place, mind you, but a special mountain that only we had access to...from the comfort of my grandparent's living room). I'm sure my grandma hated that little kids were climbing all over her furniture with no appreciation of decorum or minding our sticky jam hands (all tiny people constantly have jam hands, it's a scientific fact), but we didn't care. To my teeny person brain, these were real adventures, full of magic and wonder. And from these silly imaginary journeys, I grew to love the mountains.

Now, as I grew up, this love of the outdoors became solidified as more of a...respectful love from afar. Even now, I eat up stories of mountain climbing adventures and photographs of snowcapped peaks and dream of adjusting my personality (and hard and fast desire to shower every day) to go live out my strange dreams. I don't know if or when this day will come, but until then I have the work of photographer Julian Biaolowas, my new obsession. His photos are just...ridiculous (just look at the image above. Insane). I'm totally obsessed with his 365 project (which can be found here) and am floored by what I find there every day. He's even starting a magazine called 16 HOURS, which I can't wait for (after all, I love starting magazines). If you have a minute and like looking at pretty things, visit his website. You'll be glad you did.

Mixtape 3

2011-05-13T09:00:00.003-04:00

Mixtape time! Listening to Robyn makes me feel like I'm in middle school again (Show Me Love, anyone?) and I've got to tell you, I sort of love it. A lot.

Gallivanting

2011-05-09T09:00:00.005-04:00

California is a beautiful place, really. Sometimes I forget, my eyes so totally fixed on getting out of here and moving to New York. Luckily, every time I forget this, California is there with the put back, reminding me that where I grew up really is a lovely and magical place. Here are some reminders, from gallivanting around my hometown with the gents:

Mixtape 2

2011-05-06T09:00:00.004-04:00

Friday means mixtape. And this week I'm in love with Patrick Watson's "Man Like Me." I mean, come on--the voice? the guitar playing? the silly beard? the fact that he's playing in his shower? What's not to love?

Decisions

2011-05-04T13:31:00.000-04:00

View from the Liberty Island Ferry, taken with Jenny Tighe about a hundred years ago.

A about a year and a half ago, I was offered a full time position at a regional theatre near my hometown. At 22 years old, the idea of a full time job (with benefits!) was just about the most amazing thing I could ever imagine. At that point, I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. In fact, I still felt overwhelmingly like a child/college student. I'd been living at home since graduating from NYU and I had no plan. So, all of a sudden, here was this job at this great company and BAM--plan. I had literally no idea what I was getting myself into, no idea the breadth of my responsibilities as programs manager of in-school outreach, no idea how much this job would challenge and change me, but I did know one thing--it wasn't going to be forever.

Almost as soon as I'd moved back to California I began to feel that old, familiar tug of New York City. This wasn't surprising to me, New York is imprinted on my heart and soul. So I put a timeline into place for this job-1 season, I said. Just one and I'm out of here. On to something else. I made that choice, told my boss, and promptly forgot about it....until about 4 months ago when we started looking for my replacement. Then, reality came crashing into me and I realized that I was soon to be unemployed. After a brief moment of panic, I began to grasp on to any option I could find, all of them included moving out of my parents house to the East Coast (or Mid-West). Easy, right? Find a job out East and move my ass back, just like I'd always planned.

Not so much.

Because what I didn't factor in was the fact that, in between living in New York I'd still be living in California. And I mean Living in California, capital L. I'd be starting projects and making friends and building a life as an adult here. I'd be Living. And these projects turned out to be AMAZING (hello, The Violet!) and soul expanding. And I began to feel like an adult here. It happened about 5 months ago, when I realized that I was actually comfortable making decisions in my job and that, in my personal life, I didn't need to run things by my mom as much as I needed to use her as a sounding board for decisions I'd already made. The change was actually noticeable, which was a very odd experience, let me tell you.

And so, with this new "adult" mindset, I step towards the ending my current job and looking for a new one...but now I have projects that I believe in (again, The Violet!) that truly need development and as much time as I can give to them. So last night, after a huge amount of thought, I sat down with my mother and talked through my plan. And I've decided that, as much as it pains me, I can't move to New York....right now. It is absolutely still my plan to move there, but there are some things I need to stay and dedicate time to in California. I haven't put any sort of timeline on this--I am going to stay until I feel like I can go. I'm going to continue to reevaluate my situation throughout the summer and see how it goes. Perhaps I'll be ready to move in September, perhaps in December. Again, there's no timeline, which is perhaps the most terrifying thing I've ever decided. It is also extremely liberating and I feel simultaneously responsible and childish for even considering it.

So....here goes nothing.

2011-05-02T23:00:00.003-04:00

"I mourn the loss of thousands of precious lives, but I will not rejoice in the death of one, not even an enemy. Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that."

~Martin Luther King, Jr.

(ok, apparently this quote is partially fake.

The first line is MLK, the rest is Random Twitter Guy. Too good not keep though)

Thanks to Vanessa (and her mom) for the quote.

I Usually Don't Do This

2011-05-02T04:25:00.000-04:00

At least, not on the blog, but I believe that today calls for breaking some rules. What rule, do you ask? My own personal rule about politics. Generally, I try to keep politics off of here because I hate when people get all preachy about their views and ignore the other side of things. I'm not here to preach, absolutely, but I do have specific opinions that I feel inclined to share, and they involve politics and grey areas and things people get heated about. If you aren't a fan of this sort of thing, I totally understand and I kindly urge you to stop reading. But, if you'll allow me, I'd like to share how I'm feeling right now.

Just a few hours ago, President Obama told us that Osama Bin Laden is dead. And I think, in a small way, the world changed. I think we have begun a shift into a new paradigm, one that we've been waiting for for a long time. I certainly don't think that, come 8 am, everything will have changed for the better and we will all be able to stop thinking about security and the risks out there, definitely not. But I do think that this is the first step in a series of many (many) steps to creating different world. Change is hard, and it doesn't come easily or quickly. It comes one drop in the bucket at a time. But eventually, the bucket will be full. And that is what we are working for, at least in my opinion.

This is my favorite picture from the NYTimes coverage. from here, by Michael Appleton

Of the 3 years I spent at NYU, I lived all of them in Lower Manhattan. 2 of those years, I lived right in the heart of the Financial District, on the same street as Ground Zero, just on the opposite side of the island, a 5 minute walk away. I loved living down there (it was very quiet and clean--thanks, Wall Street Business Men) and, most of the time, where "there" was never entered my consciousness. But each time that day in September rolled around, I would wake up to this deafening silence, cut through by the mourning song of bagpipes. Ground Zero was (and is) a strange place. When I was living there it was still a huge hole in the middle of the city. And when I say huge I mean enormous, much bigger than you'd imagine. There was an emptiness there that never seemed to be filled....except on that day in September, when people from all around the world, including the President himself, would congregate there, filling up the emptiness with their prayers for a better, more peaceful world. And while this day was always particularly hard, it was also extremely beautiful and it gave me hope--hope that there will one day come a time when this sort of thing will be a relic of the past, where hate and terror have no place in our every day lives.

This moment is historic because it is a kind of period on the end of a sentence that we've been writing for nearly 10 years. It is both an end and a beginning. This moment if full of promise. So, how am I feeling? I think the way I feel is best summarized in this quote:

"I have never wished a man dead, but I have read some obituaries with great pleasure." ~Mark Twain

Mixtape 1

2011-04-29T09:00:00.013-04:00

If you've ever met me, you know that I constantly am listening to music. There is rarely a time that I don't have something playing--while I'm getting dressed, in the car on the way to work, in my office, making dinner--9 times out of 10 there is a soundtrack running in the background (my family will tell you that this soundtrack puts them to sleep. I happen to disagree with them). I'm sure you all read in The Violet about making monthly mixtapes. This is something that my girlfriends from college and I have done in the past as a great way to keep in touch since we are terrible at the phone (really, it's pathetic). It is great because every month you get a new set of songs so your music library never gets stale. I am lucky because in addition to these cds, my dear dear friend, Hilary, is a total audiophile (she is seriously considering a career as a Music Supervisor, which I think is just about the coolest thing ever) and makes kick-ass mixes. Truly, my ears are always so much happier when she comes home to visit. And because one person shouldn't keep all of this excellence to themselves, I'm going to start sharing.

Today's pick? Ryan Adams, "Come Pick Me Up." Because no one has ever made the phrase "screw all my friends, they're all full of shit" sound so pretty.

Enjoy! (and thanks, Hil)

Ponder

2011-04-27T09:00:00.001-04:00

listen

I've been thinking lately about those choices that lie ahead of us. There are an infinite number of them just floating out there. And at each moment, you can grab at any of them and, depending on which one your fingers hold onto tightest, the scenery changes. Not to get all chaos theory up in here (mostly because I don't really understand it), but the ripples from these tiny changes extend in every direction and effect everything in front of you. Isn't that just amazing? I find this oddly comforting.

Whenever I am running late (which, to be honest, is often) and I find myself stressing over why the light won't change or why the person in front of me is driving like a 98,243,489 year old man, I usually stop and think to myself, "Ok, obviously I'm running late for a reason. Is it to teach me the 'leave-earlier, why-don't-you?' lesson? Or am I supposed to notice something here? I wonder who I am supposed to meet or what I am avoiding by sitting here." (yes, it is a little bit self indulgent of me to say this. Sometimes I'm late just because I'm easily distracted, but there are definitely other times when the universe puts things in my way. I'm talking about those times). To me, this thought process takes a leap of faith. It involves trusting that there is something out there much much smarter than me that is watching out for me as I move through the world. I take comfort in this. It is sort of beautiful, right? I try not to imagine this being as a maniacal puppet master, pulling unseen strings (though it is a sort of unavoidable image, right?). Rather, I like to think of it as warm, safe light ahead of me, illuminating the safest path.

So, what's ahead of me right now? Well....the unknown. Which is completely terrifying. I realized yesterday that in a little more than 6 weeks, I'm officially done with my current job. Like totally done. Forever. And as of right now, I have no plan. Sure, I have things in the works (what up, The Violet?), but nothing concrete. Part of me is completely terrified--what kind of crazy person wants to be unemployed with no plan? And at the same time, another part of me is simultaneously calm and exhilerated because I trust that warm, guiding light completely. As of right now it feels like that light is pointing me back towards my beloved NYC, which I literally couldn't be happier about, but that's not a definite.

So stay tuned, folks. Because times, they are a'changing.

I'm Completely Obsessed...

2011-04-26T19:56:00.000-04:00

...with this song by Band of Horses. My dear friend Hilary put it on a mix she just gave me (she makes the best mixes!) and it is the perfect driving song. So turn up your speakers as loud as they go and hit play. You won't regret it.

The Violet Is Here!

2011-04-22T11:17:00.000-04:00

I don't know that Camilla and I could be more excited about The Violet's first issue being published. Check it out here.

More Reasons Why...

2011-04-16T16:03:00.000-04:00

...I've been away from the bliggity blog lately. I've been in the recording studio! It is nothing fancy, me and the guys I write with have been using a local high school's recording booth to lay down some sweet beats. I'll keep you posted when these audio gems are available. For now, here are some pictures from our first foray into the world of recording. I had a huge smile on my face the entire time, I just couldn't help it. It was beyond fun.

These boys are the most fun. I feel grateful that I get to spend so much silly, ridiculous time with them. More updates next week when we return to the studio.

Reasons Why...

2011-04-10T13:39:00.000-04:00

...I've been away from the blog for a month:

Images from my trip to Chicago. More on that soon.

Writing from Places Unknown

2011-03-16T15:00:00.001-04:00

Right now I am sitting in a Barnes & Noble Starbucks. This would not be a strange thing, except that a) it is Wednesday afternoon and normally I'd be at work and b) I'm in Skokie, IL. Yes, that's right. I'm in Illinois. I hopped a plane to Chicago on Sunday morning and will be here (and the surrounding suburbs) until Saturday. I've got to tell you, it is sort of great. I mean, first of all I'm sitting in a Starbucks and not sequestered in my office (awesome!) but secondly I'm on a trip with my best friend Marissa, exploring a place that could potentially be my home in 2 1/2 months. Yes, you read that right, it is possible that in just a few months I'll be moving to a place I never thought I'd go, THE MIDWEST. Now, granted, Chicago isn't exactly rural or anything, it is a city like any other (and the Midwest isn't all rural, I know that), but I never imagined myself living in the middle-ish part of the US. I'm pretty much a bicoastal girl through and through. I love the ocean. And while Chicago doesn't have the ocean, it does have Lake Michigan, which is pretty fantastic (and generally big enough to imagine as an ocean). It also has this great vibe. Do you know what I mean? I have a pretty strong sense of the energy of a place--I know when it works for me and I definitely know when it doesn't. For example, LA? Yeah, that totally doesn't work for me. But NYC? I knew the second I stepped out of the cab the first time I went there that it was the right fit for me. This is the same feeling I got in Chicago when I went the first time. We drove onto Lakeshore Drive and I saw it unfurl in front of me and I just...knew. I knew this could be a potential home for me.

View from Navy Pier.

I have to tell you that this trip, unlike any trip I've taken before, terrified me. Not that I find cities difficult or scary or anything. Come on. Three years in NYC toughened me up. But this trip is the first step in a series that have very little safety net. In New York I was there to go to school so I had everything all set up when I arrived--where to live, where to eat, what to do with my time. Moving back to California was much the same--I had a place to live, food in the cupboards, and a job. But here? Here there is none of that. I have no idea where we are going to live. And I have no idea where we should eat. And I most definitely don't have a job (nor can I afford to, as I have in the past, get an unpaid internship that turn into a full time job). I also don't know a soul in the city. At least in NYC I knew my uncle was close enough to help if something went terribly wrong. Here, he's the closest family member to me....and he lives in upstate New York. I feel brand new, like it is my first time anywhere. I got lost 3 times getting from our hotel to the bus stop 4 blocks away. I have (up until today, today I am doing better) no idea where I am in relation to anything. I feel bold in coming here, trying this choice on for size. Truly, there is a 50/50 chance this is where I'll end up in June (the alternate choice is NYC. It all depends on where I can get a job). And I'm sort of stoked on the idea. I mean, I'm totally naive to the city and the insane weather that goes on here, but isn't that fantastic? It is a place where I know no one and no one knows me. If I wanted to, I could change my personality completely, show the world a whole new Ashleigh (I'm sure this won't happen, but it is pretty awesome that the option is there, right?). There are very few times that this opportunity (and this risk) to leave it all behind comes up and is actually possible. I'm fortunate to be young, with no one to support but myself, and able to try something like this.

Right now absolutely nothing is set in stone, but from here until June, things are going to happen really quickly. There are tons of decisions to be made and things to do to prep, but for now I'm going to just enjoy this little bit of the unknown.

If Found, Please Call...

2011-03-09T02:36:00.000-05:00

I have lost my creativity. Ok, not lost. Lost seems a little to dire. Let's say misplaced. I have misplaced my creativity. I don't really know where it went, but it seems to have disappeared off the face of the planet. I go through spells like this every once in a while, where I don't feel inspired. Typically, I just ride it out, work through whatever is going on and bing bang boom, in no time at all, the creative juices are flowing through me once more. But now? Now is literally the most inconvenient time in the world for me to feel uninspired. I have so so so much to do for The Violet and nary a shred of motivation with which to accomplish any of it. I feel frustrated, especially since my usual tricks aren't working. Ok, trick. I have one trick. Do you want to know what it is? Singing. LOUDLY. Often while accompanying myself on some sort of stringed instrument. Lately, however, my throat is doing this thing (my osteopath called it a "stress response") where it gets all tense and doesn't want to relax and so singing isn't so much relaxing as it is frustrating and agitating and discouraging. Worry not, oh friends of the blog, I have a doctor's appointment on Thursday and we are going to figure this whole thing out. I promise to keep you posted.

Until then, I am trying to find little other things to distract me from my creative ennui. For example, on Sunday I took a drive up to Napa (as much as I dislike living here, sometimes Northern California has perks) with two beautiful friends for a wine tasting afternoon. It was pure magic, even though it was a tad bit rainy, with mist rolling over the hills and winding its way through the vineyards. As far as Sundays go, this one was the tops.

I'm Not Dead, I Promise

2011-02-28T08:00:00.017-05:00

I've been making sweet treats. Note the classy dinosaur sprinkles.

I know I've gone into blog hibernation (blibernation? Hiberblogtion?) this past two weeks, but don't think that that means I wasn't thinking about all of you. Quite the contrary, I thought of you all often and would then plan to write and then sit down at my computer and inevitably either fall asleep or get caught up watching Downton Abbey (if you haven't watched it yet, go to Netflix Instant immediately and watch it. You won't be sorry). I promise to do better in the future.

Now, let's get right down to it, can you believe it is March already? March is going to kick my ass, I can tell you this right now. First off, I begin a 2 week stretch of teaching tiny kinder people tomorrow (we will be learning about mountains together, it should be a hoot). Next, I head out to Chicago for a week of galavanting and meeting/schoomzing/ass-kissing with potential employers (My darling Marissa Schwartz will be there as well, so it all comes out in a wash, really). Then The North Pool, my favorite show of the season, opens and I go on a whirlwind tour of the valley to prep students to see this show. And let us not forget The Violet, who's first issue comes out around the end of the month (did you notice the fancy new button? Thanks, Camilla, for making it look so lovely). All in all it should be a great, busy month that I am looking forward to. What is the saying? I've posted about it before? "March comes in like a lion, goes out like a lamb." It has never been proven to me to be true, but perhaps things will be different this time. I have high hopes. In fact, I spent tonight making yummy, teensy cupcakes (see above). Any month that starts with baking can't be that bad.

What does March hold for you?

M-M-Making Changes

2011-02-28T03:12:00.000-05:00

Making changes on the bliggity, please forgive the font switch half way through the posts (should you, for some reason, go back farther than one page of posts). It seemed like it needed adjustments.

This Weekend I Met a 15 Year Old Who Is More Talented Than I Will Ever Be

2011-02-14T08:00:00.016-05:00

Truly, I did. You guys, I can't wait for you to see the photographic magic that happened this weekend. It'll be available for your viewing pleasure in the first issue of The Violet, my newest project. Have I told you about The Violet yet? No? Well, The Violet is a project that I've been working on with my old friend Camilla for the past few months. It is a magazine for 20-somethings trying to make their way in the world on a budget. I am so unbelievably excited that it is finally all coming together, our first issue will be out at the end of March. Keep your eyes peeled for updates on our website, and check out The Violet Blog for updates until the first issue is released.

In the mean time, here is a sneak peak of our photo shoot for the first issue. With help from Kenza, my new friend Jenny, Camilla, and an uber-talented Claire, it was a magical day. Here are some that I snapped today (though I promise you, Claire's are better. Check the first issue of the magazine for proof). It is days like today that make me love living in Northern California.

Kenza among the trees

Camilla, being silly with props

Kenza, in thought

The lovely and stylin' Jenny

Claire, who is so talented it is sort of gross

The Golden Gate

Journey, Part 3

2011-02-10T08:00:00.003-05:00

(Continued from here)

Depression was something that I'd been warned about. But, like, warned about in passing. The surgeon mentioned it to me once while he was telling me about how many rubber bands they were going to put in my mouth (at one point we got up to 15, by the way)) to keep it from opening. "You might feel a little depressed while you are healing. Don't worry, it'll pass," he said. Sure. No problem. I can totally handle that.

Except that what he didn't mention is that it would come slamming into me like a freight train. That one minute I would be feeling ok, sitting on my parents bed watching silly reruns and the next I would be crying about god only knows what. And this would have been fine—after all, I was entitled to a little cry since my face had been broken just weeks before—except that when it happened I was home alone, sobbing, unable to open my mouth. Which meant that (sorry everyone), when I inevitably got all snotty I couldn't breathe. And then because I was all snotty I got all post-nasal drippy and so I started coughing. But remember, I couldn't open my mouth, so coughing wasn't so much coughing as choking to death. Naturally, I panicked, but because I had only had 80 calories to eat that day in the form of a syringe full of Gatorade (plus, you know, the depression) I couldn't form any sort of rational thought to calm myself down. I just kept thinking, “I can’t stop crying, I can’t stop crying, HOLY SHIT I CAN’T STOP CRYING.” I remember calling my mother and somehow mumbling out that I couldn't stop crying and I couldn't breathe and please oh please couldn't some one come home immediately and help me?! It was awful. Honestly, some of the worst moments in my memory.

That summer was, without a doubt, the most trying of my life. Very few pictures of that time exist, something I made sure of. I was adamant about the no-photo policy. As a joke, friends would try to sneak a shot of me and, like a ninja, I would dodge the camera. I didn’t want to see myself. I could look in the mirror and that was enough. Because when I looked in the mirror, what I saw was a disfigured Ashleigh, swollen beyond recognition.

And still, after all of this, the hardest part was still ahead of me. Because by the fall my jaw was no longer rubber banded shut and a lot of the swelling had gone down (which was awesome), revealing...someone I didn't recognize. I would literally look in the mirror and have to remind myself, "Don't freak out. This is what you look like now." It was awful. I felt so lost and awkward in my own skin. At first, I avoided mirrors all together, stopping only to make sure my hair wasn’t totally out of control. But then I’d catch a reflection in the car window and I’d have to remind myself that the person I had just seen was, in fact, me. I cried a lot, often at the drop of a hat (I still wasn’t eating a ton, mostly just instant oatmeal and miso soup, so I constantly had low blood sugar which kept me on edge). Then I would stare at my face in the mirror, turning it this way and that, trying to find some piece of the old Ashleigh in there and always coming up short. The image of me in my head was a complete 360 from what I saw in the mirror.

(I should also mention that, in the middle of everything, I transferred to NYU, which I’d been dreaming about for years. And once I got there I felt like no one knew the real me because the real me's face was gone. It was a very confusing time.)

Now, as time went on, I finally got used to my new face. My beautiful friends from home didn't really make a big deal about it (bless them) though I did have someone I knew from high school (and honestly didn't really enjoy) see me in a coffee shop about a year later and say, much to my chagrin, "Oh. My. GOD. You look so different!" which wasn't exactly something I liked hearing. The swelling kept going down and I kept getting used to my new look. I wouldn't get as freaked out when I looked in the mirror. And I was noticing that I was feeling better. I didn't feel as insecure about myself anymore. Things were good.

And then I saw a picture of myself pre-surgery and I just about dropped to the ground. Who was that girl? Surely that couldn't be me. I'd finally accepted the way I looked, only to be unable to recognize my former face. I was (and, honestly, still am) embarrassed by the way I looked. It is one of those things that, like my new face, I am slowly coming to terms with as well, but the process is a lot slower, probably since I don't have to look at that old face every day like I do the new one.

So, here I am, 4 and a half years later. The swelling has gone down and I outwardly show no signs of major change (though I still have numbness in my gums and lower lip, which means I tend to drool at inconvenient times). Do I still feel insecure about my face? Certainly. Do I still have moments where I don't recognize myself in the mirror? Absolutely, though the lag time in remembering is much shorter. Do I get that uncomfortable-flip-floppy-embarrassed-stomach feeling when I see pictures of myself before the surgery? Totally. Do I recognize myself in pictures from high school? Usually, but it takes a moment. I give my friends and family all the credit for how I feel now—they have been unwaveringly supportive and generous with their love, something for which I'll be forever in their debt. To those people, you guys are absolutely the best thing that has ever happened to me and I thank you, from the very bottom of my heart, for dealing with my crazy and helping me really see myself.

I have no idea what the future holds or how long I'll feel the way I do, but I know that my support system will be there with a shoulder and a glass of wine, and that is what gets me through all the insecurity. And really, what is better than that?

Journey, Part 2

2011-02-07T08:00:00.003-05:00

play me

Where did we leave off? Oh yes, that's right. They decided I needed jaw surgery. Now I wish I could say that this surgery was no big deal, but that's not at all true. I wouldn't be writing about it so much if it hadn't been a big deal. Or a HUGE deal, in fact.

Here, in rather lengthy detail, is PART 2:

We began to prepare, waiting for the day when I would finally stop growing. This involved putting braces on the 2nd semester of my senior year (adorable) and then....waiting. I waited for a year and a half, going to college in Washington state and coming home once a month for appointments with my orthodontist. I waited through living on my own for the first time, having my first boyfriend (and subsequent first break up with said boyfriend), I waited through figuring out the school wasn't a fit to applying to transfer, through finding out I'd been accepted to NYU. Finally, the time came. Just 2 days before my 19th birthday, I went to the hospital to finally take care of this damn jaw thing.

There had been a lot of prep for this day, talking about what was going to happen and in what order, watching videos and then talking about it again. The plan was to (squeamish people, be ware) break my jaw in 4 places, remove bone from the bottom so it was the right size, adjust the top and then screw everything in place. Bing bam boom. They were also going to give me a chin implant so I had the same profile and move my top lip up to show a little bit more of my teeth (seriously, the surgeon asked me if I was "happy with the amount of teeth I was showing." Who has ever even thought about that?). Fine, all fine. A lot of details I'd never even thought about but the oral surgeon and orthodontist were old friends of the family I'd known my entire life, so I knew they had my best interests in mind.

It is important to mention that too achieve the new and improved me they were going to have to wire my mouth shut for 3 months. Yep. You read that right. They WIRED. MY. MOUTH. SHUT (ok, fine, it was actually rubber banded shut, but that's neither here nor there). The nice people at my oral surgeon's office even gave me a book of recipes for when I couldn't eat solid food called (and this is no joke) Dinner Through a Straw. My hand to god the first time I opened it up the first recipe I saw was for Chicken Cordon Bleu....THROUGH A STRAW. Totally grossed out, I promptly slammed the book shut and never looked at it again.

The surgery went off without a hitch and it looked like I was in for a long, hot summer (did I mention that we moved just a week after my surgery? We did. On the hottest day of the year. To a house with no air conditioning). I tried to keep things pretty normal, spending time with my friends and doing all the things I'd normally do, though all a little modified since I was only subsisting on liquids through a syringe (at one point all I could eat was Gatorade, so I was subsisting on, like, 80 calories a day). Needless to say it was difficult for me to exert myself since I basically wasn't eating. I dropped 2 dress sizes in about 2 weeks, which sounds great, but meant that I couldn't do anything because I'd nearly pass out any time I exerted myself. I don't recommend it.

And of course, because it's me and I can't have anything go easily, I wasn't able to take the good drugs. Nope, I'm violently allergic to Vicodin (Ashleigh + Vicodin = gastrointestinal pyrotechnics, not good when you can't open your mouth), which is what they typically prescribe (in liquid form) for surgeries like this. And the big time pain meds I can take aren't available in liquid form. They literally told me I could crush the pill up into water and take it what way. And I don't know if you've ever accidentally tasted a crushed up pill (like when you hold it in your mouth too long while trying to find water so you can swallow it), but it is awful. So I said, "NO THANKS, what else you got?" And their reply was almost comical: " You can take children's Motrin, which comes in liquid form." THAT'S RIGHT. LIQUID CHILDREN'S MOTRIN. But, being an adult, I had to take basically an half of a bottle at a time to equal the correct dosage. Through a syringe hooked into the back of my mouth. I told you, comical. Needless to say, I spent a lot of those first weeks on my parent's bed watching "The Drug Years" on VH1, which was good, because about 3 weeks after surgery-- BAM. Depression hit.

To Be Continued...

Little Letters

2011-02-04T04:14:00.001-05:00

Dear Study Guide,

Please stop being so mean to me and just let me finish writing you. I am SO ready to be done with you.

Sincerely,

Ashleigh

Dear First Week of February,

Seriously? SERIOUSLY?! You are killing me. Stop that right now.

ay?

Ashleigh

Dear Blog Friends,

Sorry for leaving you hanging last week. The next installment of the Journey series will be on its way soon. Until then, enjoy pictures from the orchard around the corner from my house. Consider them postcards from my perch in Stressville, a place I will be leaving tomorrow.

Wish you were here (not really though, Stressville totally sucks),

Ashleigh

Journey, Part 1

2011-01-27T11:00:00.005-05:00

I hesitated a lot when trying to decide to post this. I wrote it about 2 weeks ago and then sidelined it. It embarrassed me. But there has been something on my mind and I'm feeling the need to get it out there, outside of my head and into the universe. Would that be ok with everyone? Yeah? Ok.

It should be said on the outset that I do not tell this story simply to get sympathy, to say "waah waah poor me", or to have people tell me I'm beautiful. No, I tell this story because it is about the journey I'm on, a journey that I've been sharing with you all for a while now, and a part of the journey that has been rather difficult for me. Five years on, I am beginning to feel able to fully process this part of my journey, which is exciting and terrifying all at the same time.

What is this thing I'm going to share, you ask? Well, to put it bluntly, it's my face. I have struggled for a while with the way that I look, not because I think I need any plastic surgery or anything, but because the face I have now, the face a large number of my friends know as mine, is in fact my new face. No, I didn't have a face transplant or anything, and for a lot of people there will be no difference between the before and after pictures, but when I was 18 I had to make a big change to the way I look...and it has become an extremely important part of the Ashleigh Renaissance story. Renaissance is all about rebirth, right? Well, the way I see myself was reborn, but it took a long time before I recognized what I saw.

This story is too long to post at once. So here, my beautiful and patient friends, is PART I.

It all started my freshman year of high school, 9 long years ago (has it been that long?). Being the daughter of a dentist, the quest for perfect teeth was less of an option and more of a moral imperative. And when I hit puberty and my growth spurt at 14 it became clear that I was going to have, let's say, a less than perfect mouth. To be honest, my bottom jaw was growing more than my top jaw. If we were face to face I would act the entire thing out for you. Here, instead, is a pretty accurate depiction of what I looked like:

We are kindreds, this dog and I.

I know, I know, obviously my face didn't look like a dog's. But really, this is what I looked like (below). This is a picture of me smiling, with my teeth together by the way, I'm not laughing or anything. I'm on the right.

That's me, on the right, with my best friends from high school on an impromptu trip to Santa Cruz.

At first it wasn't anything terrible and, truth be told, I didn't feel like there was any sort of problem, but as I went through high school my jaw kept on growing. By my junior year, no end to my growing in sight, I couldn't bite through anything. Yes, you read that right. I couldn't take a bite without tearing it away from whatever the food was. Many an inside joke was formed because of this (right, Brooke?). Eating became a chore--I avoided sandwiches or any food you had to eat with your hands, I only ate things that could be cut up (or didn't need to be cut up at all, like salad). Looking at menus was like looking at an insurmountable obstacle. I cried in restaurants. A lot. Do you know that feeling when you look at something and you just can't see a solution anywhere? All you see are big, red NOs?. It is perhaps the worst feeling in the world. You feel helpless and small. It is beyond frustrating.

It became abundantly clear that I needed to change something. And change meant surgery. And not just little surgery, BIG surgery. Jaw surgery. Wire-your-jaw-shut surgery. And soon.

To be continued....

Weekend.

2011-01-24T11:00:00.002-05:00

I don't know about you, but I really needed the weekend after this past week. On Friday, my coworker, Adam, and I looked at each other and said, "seriously, are we done yet?" It was only a 4 day week but it felt like it took forever. I was extremely happy when the end of Friday came (even though I was officially the last person to leave the building....at 7pm) and I was free to gallivant off into the distance to do god only knows what. Side note, do you actually know the definition of gallivant? Here is the definition, according to my computer (which, as already discussed, carries most, if not all, of the knowledge):

gallivant |ˈgaləˌvant| verb [ intrans. ] informal
go around from one place to another in the pursuit of pleasure or entertainment : she quit her job to go gallivanting around the globe

Fascinating. I guess this means I've been using it correctly all along. Score one for me! Anyway, the point I was trying to make was that the weekend came around and I did what any self-respecting 20 something would do: I didn't get piss drunk but instead spent a lot of time eating good food and watching silly 80s movies (Some Kind of Wonderful, anyone?) and hanging with my sister and dog. I know what you are thinking, "Woah, woah woah, 80s movies and good food? Party animal!" Correct. I also got the chance to meet with the lovely Camilla on Saturday in Mill Valley, a fascinating place I'd never been in Marin County. For those of you not from California, Marin is on the other side of the Golden Gate Bridge, just outside of San Francisco. And let me tell you, it. is. BEAUTIFUL. Right on the water. Stunning stunning stunning. I must say that as much as I do not enjoy San Francisco as a city I do appreciate that it is stunningly beautiful. Here, for example, is a very safe (read: probably shouldn't have taken it...sorry, Mom) picture I took on the way home:

Oh, California, how you sneak up on me.

Yet Again

2011-01-19T02:34:00.001-05:00

I should be writing for my Wednesday night sketch guys (formerly known as my Tuesday night sketch guys) but alas, all I can do is watch this...

...and listen to the Country Strong soundtrack over and over again. I am such a girl. But seriously, look at Garrett Hedlund's face. Can you really blame me, blogosphere?

As a side note, I'm seriously thinking of embarking on a country music career. Though, having grown up in California (and Northern California at that), I've only been to the South once (though it was Texas, so that's go to to count for something). But they'll overlook that, right? I mean, if Keith Urban can be a country music star and he's from Australia, I can too. (Actually, thanks to the magic of wikipedia, I just found out he was born in New Zealand. NEW ZEALAND. If a Kiwi can be a country star, so can a California girl. Boom. Decided.)

Meet My New Friend

2011-01-16T20:00:00.020-05:00

Lots people I know make lists of what they would like for Christmas, diligently writing out all their desires and turning it in like some sort of self-serving homework assignment--"These are the things you are allowed to buy me." (though surely that is a gross generalization of the entire Christmas list process and not everyone goes into it like this. For those of you who don't, I apologize for lumping you with all the other Christmas list makers) In the Hill house we don't do this. I literally can't remember a time that we ever made Christmas lists. Instead we leave most of the present-giving up to chance and the other person's knowledge of the inner workings of your soul. All 5 of us have lived under the same roof (as adults) for a while now (much to my chagrin, as you all well know), so we know that the other people in the house like. Typically each person gets a "Big Gift" from "Santa" and then some smaller ones from other family members and the Holiday Armadillo (as a half Catholic, half Jew (or Cashew) we receive gifts from a number of holiday mascots). This big gift is usually a big deal--the thing you've been wanting for the entire year. Here is where the Christmas list idea comes into play--for the Big Gift, you are encouraged to make your wants known. My brother wants a bike, he asks for a bike...a lot. As a 20-something adult, I have sort of abandoned the Big Gift. I generally have all the things I want or need, so it seems a little silly for me to ask for anything. In fact, in years past I've asked my parents to forgo gift purchases in exchange for donations to Heifer International. Last year they gave a goat and come chickens in my name. It was awesome.

This year was no different. The holiday season came around and there was nothing I really wanted. So, I didn't ask for anything, figuring that my mom would find something silly and fantastic on her own (she once gave me a dulcimer as my big gift). And in passing I mentioned to my little sister that I wanted to buy a ukulele, never expecting to find it under the tree on Christmas morning. But, low and behold, Christmas morning came and there, sitting under the tree, was this new friend:

I haven't decided on a name for it but isn't it just the cutest thing you've ever seen? It is comically tiny. Add to it my gentleman sized hands (seriously, I have huge hands. Ask anyone) and it is just about the silliest thing you've ever seen. And. I. Love. It. I picked it up quickly and have been happily strumming away since the 25th. I never thought I'd play one instrument, let alone two (here I'm using the very loose interpretation of the word "play"). But here she sits, all smiley and happy. A happy Christmas indeed.

Dream a Little Dream

2011-01-14T23:57:00.000-05:00

Dream and Luck, taken at the Salem homestead

I have a secret. And since a blog is just as private as a journal on your nightstand (wait...what?) I thought I'd write about it. And maybe, just maybe, it'll unstick all the stuck thoughts in my head. So, here's the thing....in my heart of hearts, there are two things that I'd love to do with my life:

1. I'd love to be photographer for National Geographic. For. Reals. Now, I'm pretty sure this would require a personality change of some kind because I'm not a huge fan of not showering for extended periods of time, but that's not important. I'd love to travel around the world and meet interesting people and see beautiful landscapes...and then capture them on film for all the world to see. I have serious love for that magazine. Not only are the images just beautiful, but I love the smell of it. I always have. It has this old world smell, like you are opening up a little window into another place, another time. Now, this might just be the chemicals they treat the paper with so the photos don't bleed but I don't care. I still think it is magical.

2. (and this one is the real secret, the other one I tell people often) I want, more than anything, to be a musician. And I'm not saying I'm not one right now, because sure, I play the guitar and I sing so that "qualifies" me as a musician but I'm talking professionally. For dollars. This, I must say, is a terrifying thought. Because, unlike being an actor on stage, this is something that is soul baring. It's you. And an instrument. And words that you've written. And that's it. No script, no one else's words. Just. You. Sure, I'm a performer, but there's something different about this. Because here is where the stuck part comes into play...I can't write a song. Ok, can't is a little strong, it's not that I can't, it is that it is extremely hard for me. Because as soon as I start I get bogged down in the details--"the chord progression is just like _________(name an artist)", "the words are a cliche", "the tune is repetitive"...on and on and on and then POOF, I'm still staring at a blank page.

My favorite thing in the world is to collaborate with other artists. As an actor, as a writer, hell, as a teacher. But to bring voices together in harmony and let the cares of the world slip away is my absolute favorite thing there is. Seriously, I love singing with other people, especially in harmony. To me, and this may sound cliche but it is true so whatever, but to me it is like praying. It is like tapping into something greater or touching the void. It is, to use a favorite word of mine, magical. And when I do it, which isn't that often anymore, I feel my heart grow and I am flooded with joy. And this isn't to say that there aren't other things that fill me with joy. The work that I do as a theatre educator has moments when I am overcome with this feeling. But it is different. As a theatre artist, one who works primarily with children in primarily non-theatre settings, there aren't as many of these moments of connection with the universe. Certainly it happens sometimes, but those times are few and far between. Those moments are also the thing that keeps me coming back and continuing on the path that I'm on.

My mother explained sharing your art like this: I was talking about how playing the guitar in front of people is terrifying and nerve-wracking and she said, "You think I don't feel that way when I finish a painting? Finishing a painting and having people see it is like pulling your pants down in the middle of a crowded room and letting everyone see every part of you." She explained that it's not fun but you do it because, well, you have to. (though upon reflection I don't know why anyone would have to pull their pants down in the middle of a room of people...but I still like the sentiment) And it's true. I sing because I have to. I literally can't help myself.

So...there they are. My secrets. Out in the world. No longer secret. I didn't think I would, but I actually feel...better, now that they are out there. Lighter a little bit. So, as Josiah Bartlett would say, What's next?

Technically...

2011-01-12T03:27:00.000-05:00

...right now I should be writing a sketch about serial killers. Ok, not about serial killers but hinting at serial killers. I know what you are thinking, it sounds hilarious, right? Totally.

Alas, I am not currently writing a sketch about serial killers. Instead, I am writing a blog post about writing a sketch about serial killers. I. am so. meta.

I've run the numbers and it looks like I am total crap at blogging. I don't write enough. When I do, it is all moody or whatever. Which I'm sure my one reader loves to see--"oh, Ashleigh's written about how she generally dislikes__________ (insert something to do with California here). Waaah waah." Yeah, that's lame. Because, generally, I enjoy California. After all, it is where I was grown. There's no place like it in the world, one could say. Hell, even if parts of it weren't magical, it is still the place where I lost my first tooth, learned to ride a bike and drive a car, where I have spent hours upon hours laughing until my insides hurt and my eyes leaked, where my parents live, where I have cried my eyes out, in public, on more than one occasion, where Grandpa rests, where I learned to love trees, where I found music, where I became an artist, and where I learned to love and live. And for all these reasons (and more) it deserves my respect. And love. And appreciation, even when traffic on 101 makes me want to punch a baby.

So here it is, to remind myself and hopefully to inspire you to someday visit my majestic homeland, 10 things I love about California.

1. We have trees that are thousands of years old (yes, you read that right, THOUSANDS OF YEARS OLD).

(photo from here, though the park is in California too)

2. The Golden Gate Bridge

3. We have people who like to do this at random. On the beach.

4. Oh, did I mention the beach. Yeah, THE BEACH (and implied ocean).

5. Sunsets that look like this:

6. Places sea lions like to hang out like this:

7. Did I mention the sunsets?

8. I mean, If you like this sort of thing:

9. Seriously, You could see this while GOING TO PRISON.

10. Largest Plug Dome Volcano in the World. WHAT UP.

(from here)

Now that I look at it, this list is clearly missing the people that make me love California. But I think they are rather implied here, don't you? I mean, who wants to look at the Largest Plug Dome Volcano alone? Not me.

Funny, that's spelled just like "escape"

2011-01-05T12:18:00.000-05:00

Happy New Year, blogosphere! In celebration of a) my dearest friend's arrival from NYC and b) the fact that I took a few days off, we ventured to the infamous Alcatraz Island to see what was what. Here are a few images from the boat ride there. San Francisco looked absolutely beautiful.

More posts coming soon. 2011 has some big things up its sleeve, I can tell already.

Neglect and a Tangent

2010-12-21T03:38:00.000-05:00

Hi Blogfriends,

I've been putting off writing for a while because every time I sat down to do it I felt like the blogosphere was giving me one of these faces:

Irrational? Perhaps. I mean, the interwebs is just a collection of ones and zeros (I know, I know. "Just?!" How dare I). It doesn't have a face....OR DOES IT. Seriously, I just googled "the face of the interwebs" and this is the first thing that came up. A radio show about truckers. Classic.

{ok, time for a tangent}
I have got to tell you, I love Google instant (the google service that predicts the word or phrase you are going to type into a search based on past searches by other Google users), and here's why: type anything, something totally benign. Now watch what happens. Start with something simple, like "How do I..." The beautiful thing here is that as you type it suggests things for you to search. "How do I..." begets "How do I look." Yes. It is true. People, human people, somewhere out there in the vastness of the internet, go to the Google to find out if this dress makes them look fat or if this tie makes them look like a douchebag.

And I've got to say, I love this. LOVE IT. I love the idea that someone somewhere has become so dependent on their computerized devices that they ask them questions as though it were the Oracle and it carried all the knowledge. Now, certainly I love my computer and, certainly, I know that it does carry a lot of the knowledge. But I definitely know that it does not carry all of the knowledge. It is, after all, simply a collection of nuts and bolts and other shiny things. (This, by the way, does not discount the fact that I'm pretty sure my computer (or at least the Google) is smarter than me and knows what I'm thinking enough to totally creep me out and tempt me to bring out my largest scales and see if it weighs the same as a duck.) A magical collection, yes, but a simple collection none the less. And I'm certainly not inclined to ask if I'm having a bad hair day...yet. Maybe one day, when I am old and grey, me and my Apple robot computer will snuggle up and have a chat sesh about love and the meaning of life, but not just yet. I like people and their unpredictability too much to start asking a machine to pass judgement on my parachute pants.
{end tangent}

What is the point I am trying to make? I'm not neglecting you, oh internet, I promise, though I did feel guilty for not writing for so long which made me not want to write which made me feel guilty (and on and on and on...). I'll try to be better in the future. Lots of fantastic photo opportunities coming up over this holiday season. Plus, I'm finally in a semi-good place at work, so I'm in much more of a sharing mood. Keep an eye out for new, magical things (with any luck).

Happy Holidays!

Try As I Might...

2010-11-27T19:28:00.000-05:00

...I just can't bring myself to do the work I need to do today. Instead, I keep looking at photos from my recent New York trip and watching silly movies. Meh, I still have tomorrow.

Happy Thanksgiving Weekend, everyone!

It Gives You Wings

2010-11-17T13:00:00.014-05:00

I feel like this might be self explanatory, but for those of you who don't love Liza as I do (and shame on you, by the way)....I am heading to my beloved NYC tonight after a YEAR long absence! Yes, it is true (and I can't believe it), I haven't been back in a year (and 17 days...but who's counting...). I am so unbelievably excited I am actually bursting at the seams. My happiness cup overfloweth.

As my darling friend Rachel, who shall also be in NYC this weekend (thank god), said, "I'm going to hug everyone... and I mean everyone...in the whole city." I hear ya, Rach. It is going to be the most glorious home-away-from-homecoming that has ever happened. Ever. So watch out, New York (and everyone in it), I'm a'coming. And I've missed you terribly.

For those of you non-Liza fans (I can't believe any of you could be, but who knows) who chose to skip the video, I encourage you to watch it in its entirety. Not only does she kill it at 2:07, she also does at 2:50... and 3:40. Seriously, goosebumps abounding, I pinky promise.

Old Friends

2010-11-08T11:38:00.000-05:00

I'm pretty sure this song is explanation enough, but just in case it isn't, here are some photos of a lovely dinner in the city last week with two of my oldest friends. The food was delicious, the company was lovely, the entire evening was just perfect. As you can see, I was a little distracted during the actual meal to take any pictures, but here's what I ended up with...

Well hello, Fall

2010-10-25T12:17:00.000-04:00

I am in love with this week already. The weather is finally crisp enough for boots and my red beret that I've had since I was 5 (no joke, it is awesome) PLUS, as a life long theatre artist, I love any excuse to put on a costume, and the knowing that Halloween is this weekend makes me giddy in anticipation. Fall is here and things are magical already. Seriously, just look at these photos. Don't they make you want to make a cup of hot chocolate, climb under a blanket and read Jane Austen? Nobody? Just me? Ah well...

Here are my plans for this week (I love lists):

Finish a blasted study guide that should have been done weeks ago. Ugh, procrastination
Play the guitar/prep for my writing group on Tuesday.
Finish decorating our house for Halloween (pictures to follow).
Have dinner with some old friends.
Hire 15 actors for next week. Oy.
Purchase scotchy scotch scotch for Saturday.
Finish putting together my costume for Saturday (which will involve the purchase of some pretty fantastic mustaches).

I hope everyone has fantastic plans for this pre-Halloween week. Do something snuggly, the weather is absolutely perfect for it.

Transitive Property Street Cred

2010-10-12T12:13:00.000-04:00

As we are all well aware, I am just not that cool. No no, I'm not saying this so someone comments with something ego-stroking, it is mostly true. If you are a 7 year old, I'm extra cool, but for a 23 year old, I would rather stay home and watch The Big Bang Theory than go out and get shwasted every single night and not remember any of it or go to a club and get grinded up on by random people. Let me put it to you another way, bouncers don't know me, if and when I approach them, they look at me with a question mark imbedded on their face. It is almost amusing to watch, let me tell you.

The actual point of me ranting away about coolness is to mention that everyone should check out the new album by a band called Hetch Hetchy. They are AWESOME. Seriously, download their album today. You won't regret it (and you can get it for free free free, which makes them extra awesome). Go to: http://hetchhetchy.bandcamp.com/ If you like it, spread the word. These guys absolutely deserve some buzz.

the album cover for Hetch Hetchy's new record, Glen Worple.
nicked from here.

Juiced.

2010-10-09T15:38:00.000-04:00

Have no fear, I'm not on steroids (though I have been...not so fun, I don't know how those body builders do it). I've just got lots of things beginning to simmer...creatively. Those creative juices (see, tied in the title) are a-flowing. I'm excited about all my new projects that are beginning to come into focus. Perhaps some involving my dear friend Camilla (many heartfelt congratulations, by the way. Yay for engagements!), perhaps some involving old high school friends and Tuesday nights (details to come, I promise), perhaps some involving an upcoming audition, perhaps some involving this:

I'm feeling a little buzzy or, as the Salem ladies say, like I have champagne bubbles running through my veins. And I've got to tell you--I. Love. It. I haven't felt this way in a long time. I'm excited to share new things here, but I think we'll have to let this creative culinary concoction (ah, alliteration) come to a boil first. I have a feeling it is going to be a lovely Fall.

Side note: even though it is for the lamest thing I have ever heard, welcome home, sir.

Step Step Step

2010-09-25T14:26:00.000-04:00

What I'm currently listening to

I have thought a lot about posting something here over the last few weeks. I mean a lot. There is a ton of shit going on in my head and it seems like sometimes saying it to the nameless, faceless interwebs actually helps. And yet, I stop myself every single time. Why, might you ask? Because I worry for you, oh reader. I know that I'm in a funk/slump, one like I've never experienced before, and that I am doing my best to pull myself up out of it, but I find myself not wanting to share it for fear of this blog becoming very johnny-one-note. Like all 3 of you would come here and see a new post and be like, "Oh, Jesus, Ashleigh is depressed...AGAIN. How lame." And you know what, that is just crazytown. I started writing this thing to chronicle the renaissance of my post-college 20s, not to be all sunshine and rainbows every second. Change is hard, reinvigoration takes work, and growing older is messy. I'm just trying to figure it all out the best I can. I thank you for reading, especially for those who have been following since the beginning. As I'm sure you are well aware, the future is completely unknown to me and I have big plans for myself. I invite you to join me on this adventure. Who the hell knows, it could be freaking magical.

I've found that over the past few months I've created a sort of mantra for myself. It was totally unintentional, something that just crept up on me and shines a little light when I feel like everything has gone to shit: Step Forward. So simple, right? It is almost comically simple, and yet there in lies the beauty. Sometimes this is the hardest thing in the world to remember, especially when work is getting me down and I am missing New York City, but taking one little step towards what I want, even if it is almost negligibly small, brings me peace and gives me the strength to take another step.

I found this picture I'd taken of my brother in the spring, facing down a massive tree. He's a big guy, but in the picture he looks so small in the shadow of this giant. This is how I am feeling--teeny tiny as I march towards this giant unknown future. And at the same time, I find comfort in this image. I love trees, they are strong and beautiful and full of life. And if that's what I'm walking towards--a big, beautiful, lively unknown--them I'm ok with that. I find peace and solace in that.

Repeat After Me

2010-09-04T02:28:00.001-04:00

Never mind that this poster was originally created during WWII as propaganda by the English government (though, apparently, never used), I still think it is awesome. I keep saying it in my head over and over every time I get stressed and it seems to be helping a little. Hey man, I'll take anything I can get.

Currently barreling into tech week so I'll keep this brief (as, despite the fact that it is just 11:27 on a Friday night, I can barely keep my eyes open). Night!

Oooo, Eeeee...

2010-08-27T00:59:00.000-04:00

This video makes me insanely happy. Jason Sudekis is pretty much the best part of the whole thing. I've been needing a little pick me up like this all week.

Actually, for the past 2 weeks.

In fact, it probably since the last time I posted.

Work has kicked into high gear, as has the show I'm stage managing/assistant directing, and I am finding it harder and harder to keep my energy up. Between my job, the show, and the hour and a half I end up commuting each day, I am exhausted. I am so drained yesterday that I literally asked the universe for help. Out loud. I said, "Please, Universe, I've got no energy left, help." It's pretty humbling when you find yourself in a place where all you can do is ask the world, the great void, the universe for help. My energy is totally tapped out. I feel like I am running on empty, which is making me grumpy and mean and making me feel sick all the time. I'm 23 years old, for goodness sake, I should not be as tired as I have been. I make a conscious decision not to bring work home with me so that I get a break, but when the break is just the time it takes to brush your teeth and wash your face before you get into bed and start it all over again, that isn't enough.

I think this is why I have been feeling so compelled to play the guitar lately--it is something that I can do just for me. I can practice and sing and feel the music flow through me and it reminds me that I am connected to everything around me and I am not so alone in the world. Now I've got these Kurt Cobain calluses and I'm actually getting better for the first time in my life. I can play some of the things I've always wanted to play and I can put my own little spin on them (hello, Justin Timberlake cover). I mean, I'm not nearly as good as I hope to be one day, but I'm on the road, you know? It has been a long time since I felt like that. Like I was really on the road to something. In my head I know that I am on the road to being back on the East Coast and to grad school, but it sometimes it feels so far off. It is nice to have some goals that feel truly attainable.

photo from here

Promises Promises

2010-07-25T16:03:00.000-04:00

listening to this as I write. Play it in the background, it'll help.

Here it is! That thing that for weeks I have been teasing--an actual blog post. I know, I know, hold back your shocked faces and the sounds they will inevitably be making. I fully understand the amount that I have been lying to you, oh blogosphere. As my darling Kyle once described it, I am "very blogopointed" with my own self. What can I say, the writing slash creative juices just haven't been flowing in the blog direction lately. At some point, I felt like a broken record--blah blah blah I hate living in California blah blah blah I can't remember to take a picture everyday blah blah I am super lame and sad blah. And while I am not in this sad place anymore (for god's sake, it is summer in California. How can one be sad when it is so flipping magical and lovely outside?), I am still wrestling with these things. Apparently they are my cross to bear whilst living at home, until I move somewhere else and they morph into other things that I'll have to grapple with. ANYWAY, that's enough of that. On to things promised...

And let me first make a side comment about the comments on this little bloggy blog. Hi there, Chinese comment posters. Thanks for, you know, taking the time. I have no idea how you came to this little rantfest or why you feel the need to comment on everything I post a) in chinese and b) with an English language cliche, but I must say that I sorta like it, even if it is a way to spam my gmail account with emails about sexy married ladies in my area or whatever wonderdrug is the most popular. Every time I see the comments it puts a smile on my face and I feel sort of like I am living in a Dan Brown novel as I run to freetranslation.com to find out what thing you've said. You keep the bliggity blog interesting for me, so welcome and thanks.

Ok, NOW the things I promised. Actually, not really, as my brother went out with his friends on his birthday and all I did was pick him up at 1 am when he was too pissed to drive. I love being the older sister. It seemed like he had a lovely time, so no harm, no foul (and no fowl).

Here is something exciting--I WENT TO CHICAGO. And it. was. MAGICAL. I loved every single second of it, and it wasn't just because I was with two of my very favorite ladies (though that certainly helped). It was because I actually LOVED Chicago, which totally surprised me. And why, do you ask? Because I am incredibly snooty when it comes to cities. Obviously, if you have met me or read anything that has ever been written here, you know that my heart belongs to New York City. It is my happy place. In my opinion, all other cities pale in comparison. Seattle is lovely, but totally not my bag. San Francisco is nice, but I would rather die than drive in a city and I find the whole vibe to be an anathema to my entire being (geez, Ashleigh, tell us how you really feel....). Don't even get me started on Los Angeles. Ugh times a million. I like Boston just fine, it is the city of (some of) my ancestors and the Red Sox, which obviously means it is awesome (plus, the duck thing makes it adorable). I've been all over and never had the same reaction as I did when I came to New York for the first time. Here, let me paint you a picture:

Imagine 17 year old Ashleigh, all awkward and studded belts, in a cab for the first time in her life, with her Boston-raised artist mother. We pulled up to Washington Square Park, just behind Bobst Library, paid the guy (cash only, remember?) and stepped out of the cab onto the dirty New York City street. The sights and sounds of the city filled my eyes and ears and lit a little fire in my soul. I instantly loved every single thing about it. A huge smile lit across my face and I said, "Ok, I could do this." I didn't even need to see anything else, I just knew. The city had already made its mark on my heart and I spent the next 3 years trying to get there (which, after a brief stint in Seattle, I did).

No city since then has had the same effect on me...until Rachel and I pulled onto I-45 in Chicago.

I just knew I loved it. My heart smiled. And then the entire weekend, no matter where we went, I kept having the same feeling. A feeling of home. A feeling of comfort. A feeling of community, which I know seems impossible in a city with so many people, but it is what I have always felt in New York City--we are all in this together (cue horrible Disney music). It is what I love about New York City-that even when it is freaking freezing or 10,000 degrees outside and you are miserable you look around you on the subway and everyone else is miserable too. We're all miserable together, which is something I don't get in California, where, like everywhere including cities, you have to sit in traffic but here you are alone in your car on the highway and you have absolutely no connection to the people around you, even though you are all doing the same thing (at least that is how I feel). And in Chicago, I felt this connection, to people I had never even seen before and will probably never meet. And I felt inspired (it's a beautiful city) and full of light. And I haven't felt that way in a long time. It was a really fantastic trip. Here are a few pictures from our adventures.

On our architectural boat tour. Obviously doing a classic boat pose.

Beautiful ladies on our boat tour. With provisions, of course.

Sears Tower.

Marissa with Billy Shakespeare.

Walking around Chicago.

Rachel and the big buildings.

Leaving the city, back to Ohio.

I think that's enough for now. My heart is happy and full. More sharing to come.

Preview of Coming Attractions

2010-07-14T12:29:00.000-04:00

I'm back! Chicago was magical and fantastic and just the best vacation I could have imagined. Now that I have returned, things have shifted into high gear once again and I'm running all over the place. I have about 6048349232 blog ideas floating around in my head, so once I get a chance to actually sit at the computer for an extended period of time, I'll share them with you. Here's a sneak peak of some of the things I'm musing about in my head:

My little brother (he's not very little, he's 6'2") turns 21 today. WHAT?! Surely there will be photos to follow.
I actually really love my job (what? shocker, I know). I mean actually really like it. Crazytown.
I have commitment issues (waah waah). Mostly, this is about projects I start and then never seem to finish *ahem The Gauntlet ahem*, which is super lame of me and I need to change.
Windy City Recap and picture sharing.

So, as you can see, tons of good stuff coming down the pike. Keep your eyes peeled for updates. Here's a little picture to hold you over in the mean time. It is from my Chicago trip, where we took an architectural boat tour and saw the building where Abraham Lincoln announced his candidacy for president. Awesome, right?

Eastern Bound

2010-07-01T22:10:00.001-04:00

Heading to Chicago for a long awaited reunion with two of my favorite ladies in the entire world. Pictures, exciting stories, and generally lots of awesomeness to follow soon. Have a great holiday weekend!

Yes, My Mother is an Artist

2010-06-28T00:20:00.000-04:00

Today's edition of "The Gauntlet" is in honor of my mother, who is a visual artist at her very core, even when she is, say, eating almonds. She is creative and a little bit obsessive compulsive but simultaneously (and those of you who have met her can attest to this) one of the most intelligent, sparkly, strong, ridiculously talented women in the entire world. I feel honored to call her my mother and even more honored to be able to laugh with her every single day. Here's to you, Mav.

D-D-D-Day 8.

2010-06-23T02:17:00.000-04:00

Day 8.

I put lights up outside last summer. I predict that this summer they will be my favorite thing ever.

The Gauntlet--Father's Day

2010-06-21T03:47:00.000-04:00

Today 'twas a glorious day, spent celebrating my magically fantastic father, watching season 6 of The West Wing (I finally caved. Surely there will be more on that later, as I love me some Sorkin), and eating yummy yummy food, including my mother's famous Strawberry Shortcake. I'm pretty sure this Strawberry Shortcake could bring about world peace, it is that good. Here is the Gauntlet, Day 6--the Father's Day Edition (days 4 and 5 can be found on Flickr, should you want to see them). Real updates are coming soon, I virtual pinky promise. Enjoy!

The Gauntlet Day 3--Matil!

2010-06-18T02:21:00.000-04:00

Here be the photo for Day 3 of The Gauntlet. (Like how I am capitalizing both "the" and "gauntlet"? Let me be clear I draw no ties to the MTV Real World/Road Rules reality show throw down of a similar name. I mean, how could one compete with such excellent and compelling programming? And the stories? Do I hear Emmy?) Anyway, today's photo is a series of my (my family's, really) dog, Matilda. She may be the greatest, most funniest dog in the history of dogs. Ask people who have met her. She is HILARIOUS. For example, no matter where you are in relation to here when, say, sitting on the couch, she will find a way to make her butt touch your butt. For. Reals. Butts. Always. Touching. Who does that? My dog, that's who. Check her glorious face (processed, clearly, through Photo Booth on my MacBook):

Yes, I do realize that 3 of these series of 4 are the same. It is because she is quite statuesque.

The Gauntlet

2010-06-17T02:05:00.000-04:00

Day 2. What. Up. It's the second day and I've actually continued this challenge-y thing. Hell yes. In fact, there are even two pictures for today. I know, CRAZY, right? Now now, don't get too excited about this. Odds are, Day, like, 47 I'm going to totally screw it up. Meh. Until then, here be the image for today. The other one can be found on Flickr.

And so it begins

2010-06-16T02:26:00.003-04:00

Photo 1 from the photo challenge gauntlet I threw down...for my own self. Here be a picture of my new Diana F+ analog camera. Isn't she beautiful!? I can't wait to buy film so I can mess around with her (dirty) and all her fancy settings (dirty?). The things you can do with these little, shitty cameras are just magical (trust me, I read it...in a book). More magic to come, I hope. Day 1 is in the bag, so there is no turning back now!

Ah! And I just realized, this is my 100th post! How fitting, right? 100 posts and a new beginning. I can't believe that there have been 100 of these little guys. I feel like a proud momma, you know? Ok, that sounded super weird. This blog is not a replacement for a relationship or for a child. Of course I know that... Oh, man, if only sarcastic tone translated via text, I'd be golden right now and you all wouldn't be running to remove me from your RSS feeds. Side note: I do not understand the point of an RSS feed. Can't I do the exact same thing by visiting each website? Do I really need all of that information in one poorly formatted place?

Anyway, NOT important. Yay 100! Thanks for everyone who has stuck around since the very beginning of this craziness way back in February 2009. You are all insane people for reading this for that long, but I love you for it. I'll try to keep it as spicy as the beginning (though who knows if that is even possible. You can't perfect perfection, right? (My GOD what kind of mood am I in right now? It is HORRIFYING).

Alright, blogfriends. Catch you on the flippy flip.

Say hi to your mutha for me.

Aaaaannnnd...

2010-06-15T03:39:00.003-04:00

....I'm back! Hello Hello! Boy, have I missed you, dear blogosphere. In reality, we've only been apart for a few weeks, but it feels much longer than that. There isn't anything super exciting that has prompted me to return to you, other than that today is my 23rd birthday and, in grappling with this new year of existence and the undeniable fact that I am really in my 20s. Like way in there. And in this new era of Ashleigh, I feel the need to reconnect--reconnect with myself, with the universe, with Mother Earth, with my family and friends, and with you, oh, blogland. I feel a great change coming, looming like a giant wave (and not the scary kind of big wave, the exciting kind of wave that Big Wave Surfers relish)--it has to, I don't have a choice but to make a shift and move forward--and I welcome it with gusto and excitement. I feel like this entire year has been preparation for what is to come--I have left a seat at the table for Elijah and now I just have to wait for him to arrive (that is probably a weird reference for all you non-Jews out there...sorry). I have no idea what is in store for me in the next year, but I am excited about the possibilities and open to whatever the universe has in store for me. This shall be a year of trusting, a year of letting go, and a year of allowing what is meant to happen happen.

So, in that spirit, I have decided, starting tomorrow, that each day I am going to take a photograph. This can be with my cell phone camera (which is surprisingly pretty good) or with my fancy SLR, whatever I can get my hands on. I will document life each day, document the beauty I see around me. I have gotten pretty jaded, living at home and being so far away from friends and New York City, that I've forgotten that I live in California, one of the most beautiful places in the United States, and I work in the theatre, and lord knows there is always something beautiful going on there. I chose to find the beauty in this place that I haven't exactly warmed to yet (let's be honest, it's the place I have loathed for the past year). It can't be that bad, right?

Lord knows if I'll be posting a new picture each day, but I promise to keep a log of my photographs here, whether in lump sums or individual posts, and on the flickr (look to your right for a link). Thank you to all of you who have stuck around through my weirdness over the past year and a half, especially over the past few weeks. Life is strange sometimes, isn't it?

As motivation for my impending project, here is a beautiful picture taken by my dear friend, Brooke, who is off on a cross country adventure. This girl is straight up amazing, and I find great inspiration and strength in her. I miss you, my friend. Be safe!

photo by Brooke H.

stealing is mean, so don't follow my bad example and take this without asking.

(sorry, Brooke, for nicking the photo. It is just too excellent to not use).

2010-06-07T22:38:00.000-04:00

I am slowly making my way back into the world, both artistically and in the blogosphere, so watch out for new things on the horizon. I've got some plans brewing for summer projects and whatnot, and they all should be pretty exciting. Until then...pee your pants with this little video that I've watched 5 times in the last 10 minutes. Now, this might only be funny to those of us who grew up with the film Newsies, so for those of you who didn't, just know that in that sea of dancing boys is one Christian Bale at all of 17 years old. And. It. Is. AWESOME. Enjoy and I'll see you soon!

Press Pause

2010-05-20T02:31:00.000-04:00

It wasn't originally my intention to leave the last post up so long. It was rather depressing, which is not how I want to have the blog look for long periods of time. This blog is a place of rebirth, of discovery, a place of renewal expressed in pictures and the occasional ranting post. I feel like this has gotten away from me a little bit. I've been so caught up in work and the shows that I'm stage managing that I've become putting things up here robotically, which isn't what this place is for. This place is for self-expression and reflection, to share the things I'm learning and occasionally the silliness of my brain. It was never intended bring on stress or frustration. I haven't felt really up to snuff lately, and for that I apologize. We all go through times like this in our lives; times when the path has become overgrown and hidden from us. In these moments, it is our job to tend to the garden and work to clear the path, which takes time and energy. Thus, I have decided to take a break from blogging for now. I need to spend some time sitting with myself, listening to my body and my mind, finding the thing that makes my heart sing and my soul swell with happiness. I need to clear the path. I promise this won't be a long break, certainly not forever, but know that I'll be going radio silent for a while. This is not a signal to abandon ship by any means, after all, who am I to quit just 3 posts (?) shy of my 100th?

So, dear blog friends, so long for now. Catch you on the flippity flop.

Balloon Animals in the 1st Circle

2010-05-12T04:23:00.002-04:00

I'm really feeling this song right now. Probably because I both love the 12 string guitar and love the Decemberists. Go figure.

Greetings, friends. It has been quite some time, hasn't it. Seriously, it has been a while since I just wrote anything here, which is weird since that's the whole point of this damn thing anyway, right? To write. I can't exactly explain to you why this has been the case for the past several weeks. But I realized today, after being reminded that it is best if the stage manager arrives early to rehearsals, something which I know innately at the very depth of my being, that for the last month or so I haven't really felt...connected, I guess, to my body. I've just been this brain floating about in a people shell. I haven't really been present. It's terrifying, really, to feel so disconnected from everything and at the same time it is super confusing because you can't exactly figure out why you feel that way and you certainly can't see any conceivable way to get yourself out of the whole thing. So you just hang there, your brain like a balloon tied to a weight--you are physically bound to where you are, but are also floating aimlessly about, totally susceptible to the changes around you, to the current of the wind, and you allow these outside things to move you about without really thinking about it.

I haven't taken any new photographs in over a month. My guitar, my beautiful shiny guitar, is collecting dust next to my bed. I don't really sing very often. I feel--far. Distant. I'm not making my mark on anything in the world around me, and each day that I don't, I slip a little bit farther away into balloon land. It is a terrifying feeling, not feeling grounded, and I really have no reason to feel this way. I have a good job and I have a great place to live where I am surrounded by people who love me. There is no reason for the listlessness I am feeling right now. I listen to friends of mine (especially my dear soon-to-be-traveling friend. You know who you are) who tell me beautiful stories about finding amazing, unexpected connections with new, interesting people and I feel insanely jealous because I just don't know how to do that. Or I've completely forgotten.

There is an acting technique that talks about existing based on levels. These levels are called circles, and there are 3 of them. From what I can remember (and this could be totally incorrect, so bear with me), the 3rd circle, the farthest from you, is loud and boisterous. You know when you meet someone who lives mostly in 3rd circle--they are exhausting, they throw their energy outward, but for their own benefit. The 2nd circle is the ideal circle for actors (and, in fact, for people in general) because it is the level where you are just present. When you are with another person you are with that person, and when you are alone with your self you are with yourself but still recognize that you are part of the world. The 1st circle, the closest to your self, is the most closed off. Again, when you meet people who live entirely in 1st circle, you know it. They are distant, they are focused on themselves, they often have blank eyes. I've prided myself on living as much as I can in the 2nd circle, but for some reason over the past several weeks, I've slipped into the 1st circle and can't seem to extricate myself from its web.

Part of it, I think, is that I've forgotten to live each day with intention or to even set an intention for my existence. The thought of being in California for a year feels like inaction to me, when in fact it is the complete opposite of that. Staying home, despite how much my soul yearns for the East, is action because it truely will get me to where I am meant to go. Perhaps also some of my magnetic attatchment to the 1st circle is because I really do know where I want to go, but since it will take me longer than I really want it to take, I've decided not to make any connections in California, so that when I finally do need to leave here, I don't feel as though there is anything keeping me. Wow...that is just about the most unhealthy pattern of living I've ever seen. And I get upset that I have no friends here which makes me feel bad about myself which makes me keep to myself. It's a vicious, man-eating circle, this 1st circle. And it's bullshit that it is totally ruling my life. What kind of kick ass lady can I ever expect to be if I allow irrational theories to derail my very specific, very exciting life plan? So hey, 1st circle, get ready. Because I'm coming to kick your ass.

Random Photo (I can't believe it is still) Wednesday

2010-04-29T02:45:00.001-04:00

I'm going to keep this one brief, for many reasons including the fact that I posted just a few days ago and that these pictures make me homesick for my darling friend Jenny, who, as we all are most likely painfully aware, is off kicking ass and helping vaccinate children in the Peace Corps. I miss her dearly (many letters in the mail to you Friday, Jen). This week's photos were taken at Jenny's parent's home in our hometown, which is one of my favorite places to be, especially when in California. More exciting stories and news coming soon, I pinky promise. Just be patient...

Random Photo Day--the Watergate Edition

2010-04-25T21:39:00.000-04:00

*expletive deleted* it, I can't believe it's actually Sunday! This *expletive deleted* Random Photo post comes 5 whole days late. Ugh Ugh Ugh. Super lame. I wish I had an interesting excuse, like I was participating in some sort of heroic rescue mission through the forest for a wayward puppy but alas, I was just *expletive deleted* exhausted from a long week of work. This week of work has been...trying. And the more work I did, the more tired I got and the more tired I felt the more angry and indignant I became and the more indignant I became the more tired I felt and on and on in a great big *expletive deleted* circle. Just to put things in perspective, this is what my week felt like:

Let me also say, before we get to the photos (oh yes, there will be photos) that Timothy Busfield is completely correct when he says that despite the crappy show (or in my case the exhausting week), "It beats digging a hole for a living." Oh, Aaron Sorkin, you know just how to speak to my heart.

These photos speak to my heart too:

So, what have I learned this week? Just be happy, my blogosphere friends. *expletive deleted*, it could be worse...

2010-04-20T02:43:00.000-04:00

I love going out to get the mail each day, especially when my mailbox contains a long awaited letter from a far away friend.

Plus, given the fact that this letter was sent April 6th and has just arrived, I sort of feel like I am living in a Jane Austen novel (sort of...take the mental journey with me--people in Jane Austen novels are always writing letters and then patiently waiting for them to travel far distances and their letters are always full of beautiful stories and sentiments, just like the letter I received today), which is sort of the most excellent thing ever. Letter writing is an art, and I'm excited to learn all about it.

It's Wednesday, So Here's Something Random

2010-04-15T02:51:00.001-04:00

As it tends to happen from time to time, especially since I have been living at home, I am finding myself feeling a little...lost. I feel as though I am floating once more in a sea of confusion. It's nothing specific, really, it's just a combination of everything. Let me first say that I do enjoy my job. Seriously, it's true. I love working where I do, and each day is a challenge, but it is certainly not a job that I would want to do for years and years. I have nothing against the kind of office work I am doing most of the time, but I do feel like I was meant for something bigger, something that I'm not exactly getting in Northern California. I have these two sides of my personality (I'm sure I've mentioned this before)--the side that is fiercely independent and a ra-ra feminist and the side that would love to live close to my family and just get married and have babies. These sides of my personality have a...hard time with each other, especially since the ra-ra side pines for New York City while the homebody side thinks it would be just grand to live in California forever. See what I mean? These sides literally have a hard time coming together because they've got the whole damn country in between them.

Anyway, what does this have to do with random Wednesday things? Well, certainly because a rant like this is super random, but also because this sea of confusion I'm currently captaining a boat on is made up, in part, of friends that I miss so much it makes my chest hurt. I mean I literally had a little trouble breathing earlier this week (and not just because I'm an asthmatic). So, naturally, this week's collection of random things from iPhoto contains pictures of these dear friends and memories that make me miss them terribly. You may find this week's entire photo exercise a little too self serving and I don't blame you--I sort of feel that way too. Ah well, you live and you learn...

Because it is just hilarious and quite indicative of who we are.

If you happen to meet any of these people ever, be aware that they are all super excellent.

One of my favorites, truly.

Let me just mention that these two pictures were taken months apart. Yep.

Hmmm...difficult to explain really. Just know that these are from New Years and it was a costume party. Go with it.

Ok, so I stole this picture from the internets. I'm a thief. It still applies.

Has this one already been on here? Meh. It's still awesome.
Wowza....that was lots of personal sharing time on the internets. I'm not exactly sure how I feel about that, but these pictures definitely made me feel a little better. Ah well, off to bed. Hope you enjoyed this truly random photo montage. Thanks for indulging me.

Can it really be Wednesday already?

2010-04-07T22:11:00.000-04:00

Seriously, how did that happen? The past few days feel similar to how you feel when you accidentally fall asleep mid-afternoon and then wake up and it's suddenly dark outside but not yet bedtime and you wonder, "Um...what the hell? Where am I? What time is it? Is it still daytime? Who am I? My schedule over the last few weeks has been so nuts that I literally don't know what day it is. According to my cockpit computer, it's Wednesday, though if you'd told me today was Sunday, I'd probably believe you too. Well, Wednesday means random photos and random photos means what you see below. No rhyme or reason, no real funny stories or anything. Just, well, randomness. Enjoy, I'm off to cat nap until my internal clock figures out what year I am living in.

This picture cracks me up. I don't know why. We just look so New York chic with our dark sunglasses and our cupcakes.

R-R-Random Photo Wednesday Returns

2010-03-31T23:46:00.000-04:00

Hi friends!

As promised, here is the newest installment of Random Photo Wednesday. I wish I had more energy for a real blog post to go along with the images, but right now I am so unbelievably exhausted, I'm going to rush through this a little bit and just post the damn pictures already. Besides, I have Studio 60 waiting for me in the DVD player, so I'm looking forward to decompressing from a long day of teaching children how to juggle/spin plates (my job is very strange). Today's images are from 2 summers ago, celebrating the 21st birthday of my dear friend Jenny in Napa. It was a beautiful weekend of wonderful friends and good wine. Jenny is currently in Nicaragua saving the world in the Peace Corps. and I miss her terribly. Here are some of the shots I took of Napa. There were lots of pretty ones to choose from, these are just a few of them.

Have a glorious Wednesday and a lovely end to your week. Happy Passover to my Jewish brethren, Happy Easter to my Catholic homies and a joyous Spring to you all.